Tom Brady wasn’t the real MVP of Super Bowl XXXVIII this past Sunday. No, that distinction would belong to Janet Jackson. Or, more specifically, to her right breast.
Just leave it to the conservative media at MTV, in charge of sister network CBS’ halftime show for yet another year without reason, to find some way to stick a boob on television in front of a world-wide audience. Justin Timberlake, who had the honor of tearing off Jackson’s clothing in front of an estimated 100 million viewers worldwide, was supposed to be the surprise performer of the halftime event. It turns out he was just unveiling it.
“It was not intentional and is regrettable,” Timberlake said after the Super Bowl, labeling the incident as a “wardrobe malfunction.” Which, as far as I can tell, means he was also supposed to expose the spur-shaped metallic pastie covering Jackson’s nipple.
An MTV-issued statement said it was “unrehearsed, unplanned, completely unintentional and was inconsistent with assurances we had about the content of the performance.”
The lesson to be learned? No more cross-promotion in sports.
Think about it. Michael Jordan and baseball, the NBA/WNBA two-ball challenge replacing the Dunk Contest, Shaquille O’Neal and Kazaam. These events all foreshadowed Sunday’s collapse, and Viacom, which owns CBS and MTV, should be taught a lesson for allowing its children to procreate. Mixing music and entertainment with sports is a bad recipe.
Now, for the five of you still reading this article, you may be wondering, “Why don’t you offer some solutions?”
Now, for the two of you still reading this article, you may be wondering, “Should I stop reading this article?”
So here are some solutions. First, it’s the Super Bowl. You can get more relevant performers than Janet Jackson or Aerosmith.
Second, it’s the Super Bowl. You are allowed get more masculine performers than a former member of the Mickey Mouse Club. In fact, who says there even needs to be a musical performance?
Instead, let’s hope that the Super Bowl XXXIX halftime show features what we all have been waiting for come next year: Bikini Bowl II.
Ben Minkus can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.