Rockstar Games shotcha but “Rogue Ops” didn’t finish

Life & Art Editor and the Life & Art clan

Console: PS2
Rated: M for: Mothers are going to be outside picketing your house like the King of Pop’s

And you thought GTA: Vice City was hardcore; well, Manhunt, the newest evil from R* Games is like playing that teeth-to-curb scene in American History X until you are numb inside and need to go cuddle next to a wet-nosed puppy.

Early on, a gang of quasi-Nazi white supremacists hit you with baseball bats until the blot clots bubble through your controller cord like a beer bong in a cartoon, complete with racial slurs spat at your character: a convict named James Cash who is locked in a confused freedom run of violence across desolate landscapes of smoke, fire and murder.

Heavy stuff underneath lots of plastic bag snuffs, Manhunt will keep you gripped tight within the first stages, quickly drowning out those Vice City ’80s radio stations with the suffocating static of soot.

In fact, if this was in theatres instead of at Wal-Mart, there is no way it’d get past the MPAA – but R* deals in games, not celluloid, so even Time magazine will probably offer this warped creation some mucho mainstream props. Ruling the third-person rampage like Id used to claim the first-person shooter, R* displays a near fetish for perfecting graphics and addictive concepts until the entire country is converted.

Splicing a memorable, reoccurring surveillance camera theme into the game play now and again, the sound effects are top notch, and an eerie soundtrack wisps through the polluted air like midnight bullets in Liberty City. And with the objective simply being: fight through hella different gangs, one wonders what exactly R* has up its very affluent, well-tailored sleeve for their heavily awaited update of the 1979 gangland cult flick The Warriors.

And is it not damn time someone lifted the character from the Turbo Grafx gem Splatterhouse? Word. So definitely rent/cop this and then consider getting a pair of scissors and some magazines to make a suitable fan letter of appreciation.

– Hunter Stephenson
Life & Art Editor


Console: PS2
Rated: T for Teenagers and Dungeon Masters are no longer going to pursue a higher education

I beat this game in about a week, with the help of my roommate, Rick, aka, Aragorn. We wopped those Orcs’ asses from Rohan to Minas Tirith and back to Mordor, using special moves like Ranger Fury and Orc Bane. Disclaimer: playing this induces shameful nerd-speak.

Any game that is beatable in a week or less by someone who sucks at video games (me) needs some work, not to mention that the evil wizard…wait a second, I mean game (what has happened to me?) has control of the vantage point, so you feel like a fly on the wall inside of a crystal ball sitting in a dead vulture’s hand.

One more gripe before I go hang myself because I just wasted a week of my life referring to myself as Gandolf (the horror!): the final challenge is killing that shriveled half monkey, Smeagol, who btw looks like our women’s basketball coach.

Bowser and that big thing from Contra are real game ending monsters. Smeagol (yes, aka Gollum) is retarded.

– Nate Johnson
Life & Art Writer
Freddie Mercury Human Tribute


Console: Gamecube
Rated: M for Maybe the person who buys my free copy from the pawn shop will use the disc as a Christmas tree ornament.

It is nearly a fact that most video games are not made with girls in mind, for serious, except for that aerobics game for the Power Pad.

Rogue Ops, the latest in the endless line of first-person-run-around-and-violentlessly-kill-the-same-guy-over-and-over games, probably cost a lot to design and produce but it is still the product of some suits saying, “We need to attack this Lara Croft demographic while it’s still fresh!” and therefore, sucks. I was pretty amped to play this game, okay, I wasn’t, but I was amped to get it in the mail: thanks Nintendo – suckers.

For some reason the folks over at BITS Studios decided that the hippest possible concept for a game is to have people play as a blonde supermodel (completely armored and clothed) and, to up the cool factor, they removed the option of jumping.

So, finally when you actually do jump, it is some cinematic slow-mo crap that takes five minutes, something you can only do in one or two spots per stage: utterly stupid.

Aside from climbing onto a balcony like it’s a lunar landing, the game suffers from Capri pants and commentary from Bryant Gumble’s stunt double reading what sounds like narration penned by Wesley Willis (R.I.P. son!).

This game gets a star for being part of my trade-in package to get the new Mario Kart, which rules by the way. We give that game ***1/2. Looky there, two reviews in one – we should start doing that more often.

– Sven Barth
Life & Art Senior Writer
Sven Barth


Console: GameCube
Rated: E for Eventually Nintendo is going to give us shares in the company ’cause they give us so much free shiznit

See last two sentences of Rogue Ops review directly above.

– Sven Barth
Life & Art Senior Writer
Sven Barth