The Miami New Times: They are a changin’!

Since I moved to Miami from a small town in Texas over a year ago, I have had little problems when it came to meeting all the wrong people. I want you guys to take my advice so you can make better decisions in the future wherever your journeys will take you.

First, for a little romance, I decided to put in ad in the New Times, a weekly newspaper by the Miami Herald [Ed. Note: The Miami Herald prints Street, not New Times]. It did seem like a good idea, except that no woman would ever respond to the following. And I quote: “Some schizophrenic guy looking for a woman who is Eskimo, has inverted nipples, a square-looking ass, small head, and has no knowledge whatsoever of the U.S. legal system. I have many diseases and my father always told me to share the wealth. Interesting people need not reply.” Well, I did not find my soul mate. But I almost got one. But she was a smoker. I prefer a nonsmoker.

Now, I am a guy who enjoys the occasional massage. I thought about going to a massage parlor where I can find licensed professionals. But instead, I went searching into the New Times again to find another unfortunate adventure.

In the ad was someone named Sierra. She offered great sensual massages for a low price. I immediately thought that she could do a great job. But I ended up with two problems. First, why was it important that she was a transvestite? Was there any important relevance in that she was a she-male? And when I came to the massage session, she used her mouth on only one area of my body. I was outraged. I called the Better Business Bureau and complained. For some reason, the guy on the other line was laughing his ass off and I really got insulted and hung up.

Finally, since I’m new to Miami, I needed a clean place to stay for a cheaper price. So I contacted a guy about a roommate. The problem is that another guy lives there and they wanted another person to play. I immediately thought they meant playing basketball. I figured it did not matter so I went to their apartment to live peacefully. But after a week, these guys would frequently come into my room naked as I was sleeping. They asked if I wanted to brush my teeth with them. I immediately left them. I cannot stand people with bad teeth.

I hope you guys learn my lessons if you actually think I’m not joking.

Seth Bleicher can be contacted at