The only thing better than sore thumbs is sore hands

and Nate Johnson
Life & Art Senior Stash Finder/Life & Art ‘Stache Chairman

EA Sports NCAA Football 2004
Rated: E for Everyone should realize this game is Jesus
Console: PS2
****** (classic status)

In my eighth season as the coach of the Hurricanes I have never lost a game and I think I need surgery on my arthritis-ridden thumbs. I probably won’t sleep tonight because I have to get through this recruiting season, or maybe just because there’s just so much damn free Internet porn.

This is the reason I show up late to every class. It’s the reason I’m failing chemistry. This game sucks because it’s ruining my over-priced education.

Of course, it really isn’t fair to play with the ‘Canes because they flat-out dominate and Kellen Winslow never drops a pass. Saturday-to-Saturday would feel like an eternity without NCAA 2004.

The graphics are standard EA sickness, but the commentary by Lee Corso and Kirk Herbstreit wears on the nerves after a while, failing to add fresh commentary from 2003.

Packed with all the posh sports game features like online play and legendary throwback teams, the choice highlight of the game is the Dynasty Mode, which enables complete control over a franchise across-the-board, from the scheduling to the recruiting.

Another notable improvement over last year’s edition is the Sports Illustrated magazine feature, which allots a new “issue” after each week of play. While it sounds like it sucks, it adds a colorful, entertaining aspect between game weeks and weeks of gaming.

If you like college football and you don’t buy this game, you deserve to get your ass kicked by our football team. Five Stars (signed: Kings of Leon, Maxim)
– Nate Johnson

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Freedom Fighters
Rated: T for Tearing out your pubes might be more fun
Console: PS2

Imagine if you will: the Russians (!) have created the atomic bomb before the Americans and in the very alternate world that is Freedom Fighters, the Soviets become the one and only world power. Have the fat ass sitting next to you hit fast forward to the present where the Ruskies have just invaded Manhattan (!). Where’s George W. when you need him?

Yes, we’re still in this kooky world, sorry. You play a plumber who starts taking out the Russians, Charles Bronson Death Wish vigilante style. First, you must rescue the female leader (!) of the U.S. rebels, Isabella Angelina, and then take back the Big Apple. This game is Death Wish 2 “WEIRD!”

First of all, the makers of this ass-crap game (Re: EA – stick to sports) forgot the fact that people bleed when they get shot – and I don’t give a Russian fokk what nerd’s dimension it’s in. If I shoot someone in the face six times I don’t expect him or her to fall down and vanish, they should hemorrhage and wiggle.

C’mon, while you’re doing butterfly laps in this G-rated Twilight Zone, Rockstar Games is banking harder and harder off the ultra-violence. Jump on their GTA El Camino already.

My other main problem is that people are so politically correct over at EA, they had to change history so that the Russians invaded us, as opposed to a more realistic invasion by North Korea or – even better, us invading Russia for no reason except Bush realized that we were only a “Hummerride” away in Irackk.

Well, there’s one cool feature where you instruct other computer controlled “freedom fighters” to help take back NYC, but it gets pretty annoying bringing them back to life every time they get shot.
This game sucks harder than your baby sister did two years ago.
-Nate Johnson

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F-Zero GX
Rated: T for Taking bad drugs before playing this is a given
Console: GameCube

So, I’m realizing how lame my free copy of Soul Caliber 2 is and marveling at the fact that Nintendo thinks that by having Link as an exclusive character (that still sucks) it will boost sales, when I take out the other game that came in my complimentary duffel bag.
Yeah, I loathed Fucking-Zero for SNES – I always crashed and burned the fuck up within five seconds and went back to Bass Fishin’ – this one’s way dean! better though.
Graphics: proper as hell and almost guaranteed to cause seizures once you start getting the boosters. I don’t understand why the hell they have so many of the same cars, they all seem like the Toyota line of the 1980s and I can’t tell them apart.
Shit’s fun, I have yet to throw the controller against the wall, but the obscenity factor in a heated race is though the roof like Hunter watching “Sanford and Son”; and the lame factor on this review is right next to it, fuck!
– Sven Barth

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EA Sports NHL Hockey 2004
Rated: E for Everyone in Canada will buy this game
Console: PS2

This game suffers from the undeniable fact that no one in the U.S. really likes hockey unless they live in the Land of 10,000 Lakes or “Lake Eerie” if you will.

Get past the fact that no one can pronounce half the players’ names and enjoy the fast, realistic play, along with some cold new features.
EA digitally flew in foreign leagues from Germany, Sweden, and Finland, which adds another eight tons of ice of names that no one knows.

They’ve also instated a much needed fight mode where you can choose whether or not to fight – huh? – and then watch the computer kick your ass from a close-up vantage point.

The letdown comes in the form of crap in your ears. Surely those pixel jocks over at EA don’t think that the only people playing this game are fat angry white guys? Well, maybe, but still, is that a viable excuse to throw in music by no-name rock bands that’s so horrible even fat slime balls would try to discover the mute button? It’s also too damn hard to check, which is the sole reason I would play a hockey game to begin with sans fighting. If I press the check button and I am anywhere within the vicinity of the other player, he should loose a couple of Canadian whites.

By the way, EA, you also need to bring back the Zamboni and that fat guy from that hockey game on Nintendo. Check, mate?
– Nate Johnson