Don’t exterminate the Rat, just take its clothes off

I heard a rumor that the Rathskeller is going to be closed. I hate to think that the only campus bar could ever close out on us. This would probably be contrary to UM’s plan to raise a billion dollars. However, if the Rat closes because of the fact that there is not enough business, then perhaps my few suggested fixer-uppers ought to help it.

To increase business (and pleasure), I think on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights, the Rat should turn into a nudie bar for all college women to work during these fine nights. There would definitely be more business and the Rat would be Miami’s greatest attraction. Every guy would come from miles to see barely eighteen girls and sorority chicks go out and shake their money-makers! This could make any of those women financially secure for years to come. Think about it! All sorts of women of different racial and cultural backgrounds unite to tease several horny guys and allow fraternity initiations to happen. If you don’t want women dancing in their birthday suits, at least the Rat should host several mud-and-jello wrestling events.

For us guys, don’t think that’s sexist and that you can man-handle the women dancing because you would have security guards come in and whoop your ass if you mistreat those hard-working women. And for women who need the money, this will make over a thousand dollars of tips in any given night! You women can pay off your semester in about two weeks.

Now this is Miami and there are a lot of gay guys cruising around. On those nights, I would change the name of the Rat and name it according to whatever they would want it to be. If I went out right now and named it, I probably would get knocked out by a bunch of bad-ass lesbians. Come to think of it, I would use those bad-ass lesbians to take care of those horny men during the straight nights of the show. It would make sense since they tend to dislike the male-chauvinist attitude.

I can’t wait to see all the emails that I’m going to get once this stupid article is published. I don’t care what you people think, name one nudie bar (that was not closed because of moral crusaders or John Ashcroft) that ever went out of business.

Seth Bleicher can be contacted at