Fashion trends: How to know you’re insecure

A good friend told me last week that the clothes and jewelry you wear can describe your personality. She also suggested that my sense of fashion paralleled that of people living in padded white walls with straight jackets. She might be right (I am paranoid about computer chips the government puts in our heads). But then again, I would have to complain about what other people have to wear.
For example, why do some people have more than a dozen piercings in their body? I never understood why people would want to wear eight earrings, two nose rings, two eye rings, two lip rings, two nipple rings, and one genital ring. I just cannot believe that anyone with all those needle-size openings in their body could be emotionally secure. I think the more holes in your body, the lower your self-esteem. Think about it. No person puts all those holes in his body and says: “I am really happy with the way my life turned out.”
Next, what is the team name of the Abercrombie and Fitch logo? Is it the Warriors or the Spartans? I’m really surprised people have never noticed. Would that store please pick a name for that team? It sounds like a big high school rivalry except that fact that it’s probably a battle of which clientele is dumber when it comes to spending money on a simple, $25,000 A&F t-shirt.
Also, what do people possibly like in cargo pants? I admit, they look good but what do you need all those pockets for anyways? It looks like you took a regular pair of pants and added two more of those Velcro pouches just in case you leave civilization to go camping. Yeah, that’s it. You will leave the civilized world for no reason whatsoever and end up camping out in a crack house in Coconut Grove.
Finally, why do they have thongs for guys? Even if you like it, why would any man want a piece a string up his ass? I honestly think that they invented those thongs because it replaced the wedgies that these people received in elementary school. Or, you were once a really fat kid in recess playing on the playground with really small underwear. You were running so fast and the underwear was so small that it literally collapsed.
I guess that’s enough complaining for one week.

Seth Bleicher can be contacted at