If you don’t live across the street from Fat Beats in New York, in Iceland or aren’t my ex-roommate you probably have no idea who the hell J-Zone is. Whatever, I’ll just go ahead and say it like some post-op trans in ’86, “He’s like sooo talented, and, like, I think he doesn’t look ugly cause he’s got that non-black, black sheep charm about him.”
Wordicus, I’m about to drop some turdicus on your off-beat nodding heezay, thanks to a Hulk Hogan movie-styled interview (think Zeus, not Mr. Nanny). Damn, all that just to avoid typing No Holds Barred – y’all are sleeping.
J-Zone and his Gorilla Pimp$ are creeping like swim suits in your grandmom’s ass, so that’s enough of a reason to pretend like ya know what is up when you spend all day on the phone trying to get some girl or guy you don’t even like, like, “Come ova’ to the house.” $ick of Being Rich, Zone’s third LP, is out all over the planet like dat ol’ Terminator’s tan muscle head. Holla.
L&A: Sorry to be calling you a little late.
J-Z: Ain’t no thang but a chicken wang on a strang.
L&A: Glad to see that metaphor is still in use. The promo we got had you saying shit like “Don’t download my shit bitch or I’ll beat you with a switch.” That got pretty damn annoying…
J-Z: That’s the distributor, they make you talk shit over the thing like every minute or so, to keep the Internet from getting too happy. I’ve heard worse though, like every five seconds. I try to spread my shit out.
L&A: What’s the response been like?
J-Z: I got a good response in New York. I got a real good response overseas. A lot of people who like my earlier stuff don’t like this one but I don’t give a shit, I like this one the best.
L&A: You’re stingy huh?
J-Z: J-Zone is a character; J is the person. Some days J can become J-Zone. Some days J is just J. Just good ol’ J. Take care of his grandmother and all that good shit. Some days I’m just like, “Fuck it, this girl wanna get over on me, a’ight bet. I’ma buy her some shit, get what I want then take it back.” It’s all in good fun, but I can talk some shit.
L&A: Does it ever catch up to you?
J-Z: Arnold Schwarzenegger, he plays Rambo, but he doesn’t go around with an AK just blowin’ up shit; Stallone ain’t gonna walk the strip and just knock people out.
L&A: Are you black?
J-Z: I’ll say it this time.
L&A: Break it down for me, dude!
J-Z: I’ll break it down. I got asked when I first came out, I’m real light skinned, people were confused, they’d be like “Is he Spanish?”
L&A: I didn’t know what flavor was up in the mix.
J-Z: I black, my mother’s my complexion my father’s darker. People would e-mail me links like, “Check out this hip hop message board,” and there’d be like 150 posts about what color I was, rather than if the album wuz dope, that’s some ho shit. I used to talk shit on my songs like “Figure it out, take the dick out your mouth.”
L&A: Dude you totally called it, I have this huge wiener in my hand…this is a gay newspaper by the way.
J-Z: Doh god.
L&A: Gorilla Pimp$ is a very fine name for a clique.
J-Z: We are the new kings of R&B. I’m Captain Back$lap, aka the Tom Jone$ of rap, the 2003 Bobby Brown, we don’t have an “s” in our alphabet, only dollar $igns. My partner is Dick $tallions – he’$ actually the Black $inatra.
L&A: $o, i$ he rocking blue contact len$e$?
J-Z: We ain’t into that $halomar $hit, we come on $tage with a couple dead animal$ on. A$PCA people don’t come to our $hows.
L&A: Draped in a lion?
J-Z: I have a coat made of O$trich, Dodo and Emu.
L&A: Oh Dodo$, aren’t they extinct?
J-Z: They’re only extinct becau$e of my coat. Everything I wear is previou$ly living.
L&A: $ocks too, like $nakeskin $ocks?
J-Z: $trictly chinchilla. It’$ all about wearing animal$ all the time.
L&A: $o, who’$ your $pirit guide?
J-Z: A chinchilla.
L&A: You ever get $tiffed at $hows from promoter$?
J-Z: Oh yeah, all the time. I did a $how in France la$t year, this promoter tried to u$e the language barrier to $tiff us, he knew perfect Engli$h but he’d act like he ain’t know.. Al-$hid, my partner, he wound up beating the $hit out of the guy and throwing him down $ome $tairs.
L&A: And he’$ like, “What eeezzz dee moneeeee?”
J-Z: He was like, “The $how be very big, we have many moneee,” I’m like “$hut up!” Know what I’m $aying? It ju$t got out of control. Even if you got contract$, you can $till get $tiffed. At the end of the day, I gotta be a gorilla about that $hit.
Other than just talking shit, J-Zone keeps busy with a monthly column in HHC (a respected London magazine: Hip Hop Connection), and has a beat coming out on Biz Markie’s latest album. He wanna work with JT Money and Devin the Dude, and, and, and…I think it’ll be best to leave it at this: I’m not trying to save the art form, I’m just here to have fun ’cause you don’t know how long this shit’s gonna last. Make some money have some fun and when you’re done you ain’t got no regrets. Wordicus.
$ick of Being Rich is out now on Fat Beats, so cop dat and give J’s grandmom some paper.
$v…nah, ova dat…Sven Barth can be reached at email@example.com.