(U-WIRE/THE PITT NEWS) PITTSBURGH – From the desk of the President of the United States: My fellow Americans, the scale-like balance of the war on terror tipped further toward the side of good last week, when one of the world’s leading terrorists was finally apprehended. Although our searches for Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein have proven tougher than the best of the “Where’s Waldo?” series, I have captured a far more sinisterly heinous villain: Tommy Chong. Chong, or the “Ace of Deuces” in our little terrorism card game, can no longer spread his stupid, ridiculous message across the globe. I would like to remind all Americans that that is my job.
In what was a long, tedious and lengthy intelligence-gathering process, “Operation Smoke Out” began with the CIA presenting me with evidence that Chong was looking to the “country” of “Africa” to obtain elements of glass, metal and glow-in-the-dark decals. Despite the evidence being unsubstantiated and denied by all of my top advisors, I jumped to the conclusion that Chong was up to something. Yes, he was trying to build a bong.
Luckily for American freedom, agents of Operation Pipe Dreams intercepted Chong before his dastardly terrorist plot could be plotted. Rest easy, parents of this great country. With Tommy Chong behind bars, the world, perhaps even all of America is now safe: Safe from the evil jihad of marijuana. The billion-dollar scientific studies that I have commissioned have scientifically proven that smoking marijuana directly causes a person to become “high.” Because Mama used to keep her best china on the top shelves when I was just a little Texan, she always warned me to stay away from “high” things. This leads me to the conclusion that if marijuana causes “highness” and high things are bad, then marijuana must be bad. And since my studies also indicate that, since bongs directly cause marijuana, bongs to are also “not good.”
Since the fine members of this country have the annoying habit of demanding proof every time I play global police chief, I would like to present a shocking scenario of terror. Unconfirmed, made-up intelligence finds a direct link between Tommy Chong and the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. Just think about all the smoke you saw pouring out of the wreckage that was our World Trade Towers. You have to ask yourself, “Could this possibly just be burning engine fuel, or was this the mark of a deranged, bong-smoking overlord of power?” I’m not going to name any names, but I’d just like to say that I think Tommy Chong did it.
Despite the fact that Chong is incarcerated, action must be taken to prevent his message of anti-American hatred from corrupting our youth. His propaganda-spewing films such as “Up In Smoke” may teach our children that it is okay to question the established government views on what is and is not acceptable, and nothing is more important to a free society than the censorship of controversial topics. I have located several terrorist training camps, aka video store, existing within our own country. Officials from Operation Pipe Dreams are working to eliminate all of Creech and Chong’s videos and replace them with wholesome, all-American tales, such as “Black Hawk Down,” “Full Metal Jacket,” and “Three Kings.”
In closing, I would like to ask Congress for $420 billion to further aid Operation Pipe Dreams and the war on terror. Goodnight, and may God bless America and cast all the other countries into hell.