How I learned to stop worrying and love my fat dog

Since the neurotic obsession to keep human beings thin is waning, people are now starting to put the weird emphasis of health on their pets. And the funny thing is, who is going to get sued, PupPeronies or Snausages? I swear, I think people are so bored that suing anyone for anything is funny.
I don’t quite understand why people are so obsessed with dogs and cats being fat. I mean my dog, Gabrielle, is a big fat bitch that eats her food while lying down. How lazy are you if you eat your food lying down?
I have to tell you guys, this dog lost all incentive to even eat regular dog food. I had to go to the supermarkets to give her steaks and beef jerky treats. And this dog actually looks like a cow. She is black and white, has a small head, a big barrel body, and little tube-shaped legs. And her legs have almost given up and are already about to collapse.
Now when that happens, am I going to sue anyone? No, I think fattening up my dog is just another way that Gabrielle entertains our whole family. She already can open up the refrigerator and take whatever is on the lower shelves. She already bites any intruder’s testicles. She goes to the bathroom in our garage instead of the backyard. I think that our stupid dog should get so fat that she can bark out, “Hey, hey, hey” just like Fat Albert.
And you know why Gabrielle doesn’t care if she’s fat? It’s because she is not human. We knew early on that she was never going to win any dog shows or beauty pageants, so we are treating her like livestock. Plus, she already got spayed so she has no sexual drive for male dogs. She does not have to look thin for dogs to hump her. Gabrielle does not even care what she eats because she knows that her big fat body is accepted to any family member in our house.
But c’mon everybody, be realistic. Are you going to spend several thousands of dollars on a lawsuit for an animal to crap all over that new carpet you just installed? Embrace your fat pets.

Seth Bleicher can be contacted at sethbleicher@yahoo.com.

September 19, 2003


The Miami Hurricane

Student newspaper at the University of Miami

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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Florida. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published in print every Tuesday.