My So-Called Cheap Life: How to save at UM

Here’s something that you should know about me: I’m cheap. And I am so glad to be cheap. I encourage you all to be frugal. And here is how you and the University of Miami can start saving!
First, why are we here at some university that has had alumni with more cocaine busts (Michael Irvin) than Nobel Prizes (Fill in Your Name)? I would be at FIU if my upper middle class parents did not want me attending a “Private School.” It’s not that I dislike UM, they just could save a lot of money. Besides, if the school is so private, why do they receive federal funds? And for all the money we pay for UM, don’t you think that maybe you could get better living arrangements? After all, you came from a nice house to live in some hole that has been declared a Level 5 safety hazard by the Centers for Disease Control.
Second, is it possible that we could get rid of some departments? For example, why are we building a nursing school? It makes no sense whatsoever. No one is going to pay thirty thousand a year to end up cleaning feces off of some old guy’s bum for a career. It’s a waste of money and which other expensive private school did this for little incentive?
Third, that Convocation Center is a bad idea. You don’t have enough room to build new classrooms. So instead, you splurge to build an arena for a last place basketball team. What a waste! I know the arena makes money. But if no one can find a decent parking space, what the hell’s the point of even going?
Fourth, why is there a fountain at the center of the UM lake? Water doesn’t grow on trees. You might save by reducing your monthly water payments by several thousand dollars a year.
Finally, to save lawsuits, can’t you put a rail around Lake Disgusting so no one could drown like that kid did two years ago? What’s the use of having a lake? Nobody can swim on the marsh and the crew team is yet another waste of money operation. You could also put nets on the fire exits of the freshman towers so no one will commit suicide off your building.

Seth Bleicher can be contacted at