I took classes this summer. I felt that I had nothing better to do than take classes. What was I supposed to do the whole summer, watch the “Other Half?” Oh yeah, I desperately wanted to see three male hosts with their testicles guillotined talk about how to surprise your woman. I have a good idea, take her out to eat in a cafeteria, a ride to Costco, and go to Baskin-Robbins to sample 31 flavors and go home. Let her know that her man is cheap. (You could do a Kobe Bryant instead.)
I hate TV for a few good reasons. Every sitcom is as corny as the last. When I had my two-week break, I decided to understand why many shows reveal how Americans will watch anything.
Reason one, I hate shows that have morals. Why does everything need a lesson by some father? Did you people know that our three great fathers-Robert Reed, Tim Allen, and Bill Cosby-would make Homer Simpson look like “Father of the Year?” Robert Reed died of AIDS, Tim Allen was in jail for drugs (and ratted on 2Pac), and Bill Cosby had illegitimate kids. Wow, no wonder why our nation is screwed up. We have 30-minute dads with all sorts of problems. What about “Leave It to Beaver” when the father had the courage to name his son “Beaver”? What is he, a sex addict? His older son should have been named “Muff.”
Reason two, what is with canned laughter? Does every joke have the same intensity as the last? One person pulling his pants down and another picking up his keys do not deserve the same guffaw. The guy pulling his pants down needs an encore for nothing.
Reason three, Sex and the City. Am I the only one who hasn’t slept with Samantha? Every time I watch the show, I know I’m missing something. In addition, that show about funerals needs to go Six Feet Under.
Finally, MTV. I never understood the Real World. I don’t really think that the real world has people doing illegal and physically impossible missions. Usually, people go to their jobs and go home. That’s pretty much it. Maybe they’ll catch a movie, go to church, or take body shots off somebody. But pretty much, that’s it. Oh, people are arrested, but in this country, thinking is almost a crime.
Seth Bleicher can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.