Making the best out of ever-shortening shorts

Know what’s the best thing I’ve seen, since I started attending the University of Miami? Was it the beautiful campus or the football team that consistently wins? NO! The answer is those cute little cheerleading shorts with letters “MIAMI” or “CANES” on them. Obviously, it’s a great way to lure many guys [and girls]. But I ever wonder if the marketing majors at UM could think of way to put other things on the shorts to allow longer staring. Well, since you don’t you have active minds, I’ll tell you what we can do.
First, I think we all could benefit if Magic Eye pictures were put on there. Believe me, guys would gaze at that thing for a long time! And since the girl would be desperately trying to run away from that pervert, it would make the picture less identifiable. You would look, and gaze, and stare for a long time. Finally, you say: “Hey, it’s a snake!”
Second, how about a seeing eye chart? It will save lots of money for the DMV-guys would actually look forward to taking their vision test. And it will be a picture of Beyonce Knowles. The letters will go in a triangular order. It will say: “THIS GIRL HAS BIG BOOTY.” What I’m doing is practical. After all, I am trying to save money in this crappy economy.
Third, how about a ticker like the one you see in Times Square in New York? What better way to learn about all the things going on in Iraq than with a woman who can provide you with all the information you need? Would you rather see the ugly faces of Dan Rather or George Bush going on about nothing, or do you want the straight-up news from a girl’s shorts? My favorite headline: Tom Daschle making an ASS of himself.
Am I perverted? Well look at the entire UM population that can read. I tell you this: if your parents never had sex, chances are you will never have it too. Besides, if you don’t want people like me thinking like that, stop wearing those shorts. But since no one cares, I’ll keep thinking.

Seth Bleicher can be contacted at