Don’t call it a gym. Don’t you dare call it a gym. Calling the Wellness Center a gym is like saying that the dorms on campus are only plagued by a few roaches… it’s a gross understatement. The Smathers Wellness Center is what every gym in Miami wishes it could be, but isn’t. Probably because they are loser gyms that guys only go to in order to pick up hot women who work out. Well, maybe the Wellness Center does a few things in common with the average gym, but that’s not my point.
Everyone knows the basics of what the Wellness Center has to offer, such as the weight room, the track on the third floor and the overpriced, healthy foods at the snack bar. But did you know that the Center also offers all types of club sports from Aikido to women’s fastpitch softball? Are you concerned about your body fat or cholesterol level? Then visit the fitness laboratory for a check-up. Yoga, Salsa dancing classes, health promotion, CPR, massage therapy, and nutrition education are just a few of the things that the Wellness Center has to offer. The place even has an instructional kitchen where you can learn to cook healthy, especially when the only major appliances you have in your room are a microwave, a mini-fridge and an iron.
The Wellness Center is now open until midnight from Monday through Friday. Some students have been complaining that they don’t have enough time to work out with all the sleeping, flirting, and the occasional going to class. In response, the administrative staff has agreed to open the Center until midnight on a trial-basis. So please rearrange your schedule to the following order: 1) go to class 2) wake up 3) eat dinner 4) work out.
Now, stop reading, get up, and take advantage of all the Hellness Center has to offer. (Please excuse the nickname, but after one gets rejected often enough by hot women who work out there, one tends to become bitter). If you pay the Wellness Center fee along with your tuition, student activity fee, and athletic fee, you have already paid for your membership.
When you do go, be sure to say hello to Norm Parsons, the director of the Wellness Center if you see him. Trust me, you can’t miss a 7’10” guy who answers to the phrase “Hey, Norm!” Even though I don’t think my suggestion to move the Sunsations’ dance practice classes to right in front of the weight room will go through, that doesn’t mean yours won’t. If you really want to do me a favor, go tell Norm I’m not the only one.
Max Alvarez can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org