Dear V

V’s Take: Sliding into the DMs 101

Welcome to class, you’re about to get schooled. I’m Professor V, and I’m here to teach you how to take things from public to private. It’s time to get funky: Slide to the left. Slide to the right. Slide into those DMs.

Lesson 1: The Basics

Sliding (verb, into the DMs): the act of direct messaging someone on Instagram, Twitter or Facebook in hopes of acquiring the booty. Often takes place after prolonged periods of drooling over someone’s photos and liking every post mere minutes after it’s up.

Synonyms include “getting it in on Insta,” “private messaging penis pics” and “trying to f— on Facebook Messenger.”

Antonyms include being a lil’ [redacted].

Lesson 2: History

It’s one of the most revolutionary phrases in human history, and it has shaped the way humans communicate in the modern era – “Got Kik?”

The messaging app Kik was once the highest, most elite form of digital communication, but now is only featured in episodes of MTV’s “Catfish.” Bummer.

Kik shaped the DM-sliding skills of an entire generation. Rest in peace.

Lesson 3: Analysis

Today, we’ll be completing a critical analysis of the song “Down in the DM” by Yo Gotti. While analyzing this text, it is crucial to remember that everything does, in fact, go down in the DMs. One can take away key tips for DM sliding from this piece.

“My DM just caught a body / If you screenshottin’, you the police.”

If you decide to get dirty in the DMs, keep it private. Better yet, take things to Snapchat so you know if your soulmate screenshots.

“If it go down in your DM then baby boy, you lucky / ‘Cause 99.9 percent of these f—boys can’t f— me.”

Like the author, keep your standards high. Don’t give up the goods to anyone who slides into your inbox. They could be a Jeffrey Dahmer wannabe, or an equally scary female equivalent (#feminism). You should reserve your best text-to-sext material for that 0.01 percent of DM sliders who have worked for it.

“I just sit back and observe, all these n—– that I done curved.”

In this case, you should try not to be like the author of the text. Don’t ditch your DMer. The only exception to this is if you just got dumped, in which case you should play the field as hard as possible.

Lesson 4: Conclusions

While that millennial anthem provides an excellent explanation of the basics of DMing, Professor V thinks the artist missed some very important points.

Don’t be a creep. Read receipts exist for a reason. If your lover is continually leaving you on read, it’s time to give up. White men: listen up, this one’s for you. Take rejection with a grain of salt, tone down your anger like 15 notches and let that digital love go. Do not threaten someone in the DMs – this should go without saying, but you’d be surprised.

And just know that there’s a high probability the person on the receiving end of those saucy messages will show friends what you’re sending, and it is a very small world.

Remember where you are. You’re in someone’s DMs, not at the Ritz. Don’t expect quality if the only work you’re putting in is typing sexy words. This is probably just going to lead to a fast fling, not a long-term lover. Keep it realz. Don’t catch feelz.

Need more help or want to come to my office hours? Email me at dearv@themiamihurricane.com.

October 9, 2017

Reporters

V'S Take


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