Opinion, Satire

SATIRE: All students named Irma, Jose, Lee and Maria feeling really uncomfortable right now

After nearly three weeks of hurricane cleanup efforts, reports say the University of Miami campus is operational again and abuzz with students eager to reunite with college friends except for students named Irma, Jose, Lee and Maria, who are feeling super uncomfortable right now.

From the moment sophomore Irma Fischer stepped foot on campus, it reportedly took only three seconds before shouts of “Irmas such a bitch!” between reuniting friends could be heard everywhere she went.

I also keep hearing Irma is so huuuuuge!’” said Fischer. I prefer large and in charge,personally.

At first, junior Maria Anderson thought she was being received with unusually open arms.

People were yelling, Thanks a LOT, Maria!’” said Anderson. So I thought I was being recognized for something. But then I realized it was more in a Thanks, OBAMA!kind of way.

Jose Gonzalez said he was thrilled to begin college at UM as a freshman, before having to evacuate two weeks into the semester.

Now Im back, and Ive heard at least 15 people say theyre so glad Jose stayed away from Miami!said Gonzalez, crouched on the lowest possible steps outside the Shalala Student Center behind a palm tree, the only spot safe from the glares of a passerby. Like, should I have come back?

Super-senior Lee Weber said he questions whether he is welcome back for his final semester, after what he calls a reunion gone wrong.

I saw a bunch of my friends and was going to surprise-hug them all from behind,” said Weber. “Until I heard them laugh and say, If Lee comes anywhere near here, Im gonna be so mad!’”

At press time, no further sources were available for comment, as all other campus Irmas, Joses, Lees and Marias were at the Miami-Dade County Courthouse inquiring about legal name changes.

S. Molly Dominick is a senior majoring in broadcast journalism.

September 25, 2017

Reporters

S. Molly Dominick


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

It was midweek when Miami leading receiver Braxton Berrios wistfully spoke of his four years as a Hu ...

Eli Rosier will be back where he belongs Saturday, where he feels most at home. He will be at a foot ...

The 11th-ranked University of Miami men’s basketball team remained undefeated with a 90-59 victory o ...

They remain undefeated — but still untested. The 11th-ranked University of Miami men’s basketball te ...

It has inspired T-shirts and a Migos-style hype song. Soon, fans will have a beer brewed in honor of ...

The Finker-Frenkel Legacy Foundation gift will establish the Business Plan Competition Endowed Fund. ...

C. David Naylor, a UM Presidential Scholar and public health policy expert, provided insight into he ...

A cohort of five religious leaders from Miami, including a rabbi and imam from the University of Mia ...

Hollywood actress and star of the hit BET series Being Mary Jane gets real about gender, race and co ...

The annual development agreement meeting is a time for the city and University to share information ...

Here are three matchups to watch in Saturday's Senior Day game between the No. 3 Canes and Virg ...

The University of Miami volleyball team produced some late-match magic Friday night to outlast an in ...

Miami's seniors will play their final home game at Hard Rock Stadium when the Canes face Virgin ...

Six Hurricanes were in double figures as the Hurricanes improved to 3-0 on the season. ...

The University of Miami rowing team introduced the newest members of the Hurricanes rowing program o ...

TMH Twitter Feed
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.