Opinion, Satire

SATIRE: All students named Irma, Jose, Lee and Maria feeling really uncomfortable right now

After nearly three weeks of hurricane cleanup efforts, reports say the University of Miami campus is operational again and abuzz with students eager to reunite with college friends except for students named Irma, Jose, Lee and Maria, who are feeling super uncomfortable right now.

From the moment sophomore Irma Fischer stepped foot on campus, it reportedly took only three seconds before shouts of “Irmas such a bitch!” between reuniting friends could be heard everywhere she went.

I also keep hearing Irma is so huuuuuge!’” said Fischer. I prefer large and in charge,personally.

At first, junior Maria Anderson thought she was being received with unusually open arms.

People were yelling, Thanks a LOT, Maria!’” said Anderson. So I thought I was being recognized for something. But then I realized it was more in a Thanks, OBAMA!kind of way.

Jose Gonzalez said he was thrilled to begin college at UM as a freshman, before having to evacuate two weeks into the semester.

Now Im back, and Ive heard at least 15 people say theyre so glad Jose stayed away from Miami!said Gonzalez, crouched on the lowest possible steps outside the Shalala Student Center behind a palm tree, the only spot safe from the glares of a passerby. Like, should I have come back?

Super-senior Lee Weber said he questions whether he is welcome back for his final semester, after what he calls a reunion gone wrong.

I saw a bunch of my friends and was going to surprise-hug them all from behind,” said Weber. “Until I heard them laugh and say, If Lee comes anywhere near here, Im gonna be so mad!’”

At press time, no further sources were available for comment, as all other campus Irmas, Joses, Lees and Marias were at the Miami-Dade County Courthouse inquiring about legal name changes.

S. Molly Dominick is a senior majoring in broadcast journalism.

September 25, 2017

Reporters

S. Molly Dominick


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

Hurricanes fans, get out your pencils, calendars and a list of your favorite hotels. The Atlantic Co ...

Three former Miami Hurricanes — defensive lineman Chad Thomas, offensive lineman KC McDermott and de ...

In all technicality, the Orange Bowl is a postseason, neutral-site bowl game that includes a top tea ...

When it comes to recruiting, the scariest sentence for Miami Hurricanes fans is this one: Nesta Silv ...

This time, there was no miracle Miami win over Duke. The fifth-ranked Blue Devils rallied from a 13- ...

As artificial Intelligence takes hold, tech visionary David Kenny stresses keeping human values in t ...

UM’s First Black Graduates Project committee visits an iconic D.C. museum for inspiration to create ...

The Beaux Arts Festival of Art debuts at a new site with picture-perfect weather and a panoply of or ...

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s vision for a “Beloved Community” has inspired a number of University of ...

UM launches three cyber security certificate programs to equip professionals for the growing employm ...

The University of Miami released its 2018 football schedule Wednesday, highlighted by a nationally t ...

Notes from Miami's 2018 Football schedule. ...

Freshman jumper Hasani Knight was named ACC Men's Field Performer of the Week. ...

MIami volleyball signee Chloe Brown was named the 2017-18 Gatorade Oregon Volleyball Player of the Y ...

The University of Miami women's basketball team will play the first of two home games in a 31-d ...

TMH Twitter Feed
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.