Opinion, Satire

Poll confirms 10 out of 10 girls are impressed with your gym gains

The University of Miami sociology department recently conducted a poll in partnership with the Herbert Swoleness Center to test how female gym-goers feel about the lifting abilities of their male counterparts. The results were conclusive, if not obvious: 100 percent of girls are legitimately impressed at how strong you are.

“I don’t know why this was even in question,” said sophomore Brian Stanley while sporting a UM Orientation 2015 T-shirt with the sleeves crudely cut off and his mandatory, widely used workout towel to clean sweat off machines. “It’s not like we didn’t know this already.”

The sociology department struggled to obtain funding for a research project with such obvious results. After months of attempting to convince administration, researchers finally received the necessary grant.

“We hypothesized that intelligence and scientific capacity were just as important to women as muscles are,” said cardio nerd Dr. Alan Jefferies. “Brains over gains, if you will.”

The results proved them wrong, resoundingly.

UM researchers polled hundreds of female students over the course of the last two semesters, and the results were overwhelming. The study concluded that every girl in the gym loves it if you’re really strong. In addition, the study found that a majority of female students actually go to the gym not for their personal health but to flirt with strangers.

“At first I was annoyed when some guy showed blatant disrespect in interrupting my workout to correct my lunge form, but then he told me that he puts up 225 so it was okay,” said junior Megan Miller. “I was happy to pull out my ear buds mid-Ibis Express Circuit to chat.”

Miller also added that outward displays of toxic masculinity are a requirement for any man who wants to connect with her on an emotional basis.

Certain students and outsiders have expressed concern over the vanity and focus on superficial appearance in our campus culture. But following the results of this study, it is conclusive that this criticism stems from jealous cardio freaks. For now, male students who wish to socialize with women should spend more time in the gym, surrounded by fellow weight-lifting men.

Conner Barrett is a sophomore majoring in political science.

Cartoon by Izia Lindsay

Cartoon by Izia Lindsay

September 14, 2016

Reporters

Conner Barrett


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • Error

The name conjures images of tranquil waters, lush palm trees and cool breezes. The faces conjure ima ...

A heap of preseason accolades are being showered daily on the University of Miami football players. ...

James Jones, who starred at Hialeah American High School, the University of Miami and was a part of ...

A classic good news/bad news scenerio arose for Miami Hurricanes football at the recent Atlantic Coa ...

The University of Miami football players are not the only ones getting preseason accolades. The guys ...

Looking back on 15 years of the University of Miami Business Plan Competition, hosted by the School ...

Read the latest entries from UM students who are spending part or all of their summer visiting diffe ...

Value in the Era of Analytics ...

Summer Creative Writing Camp Inspires Young Writers to Release Their Emotions Onto the Page. ...

Gomez, an expert on human values and attitudes in post-Castro Cuba, will serve as interim director o ...

RSS Error: A feed could not be found at http://www.hurricanesports.com/. A feed with an invalid mime type may fall victim to this error, or SimplePie was unable to auto-discover it.. Use force_feed() if you are certain this URL is a real feed.

TMH Twitter Feed
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly on Thursdays during the regular academic year.