Opinion, Satire

Freshman admitted from Kansas, stirring confusion on campus

In an uncharacteristic mistake, the University of Miami Office of Undergraduate Admission has accidentally admitted a student from Topeka, Kansas into the class of 2020. This marks the first time a student outside of Florida or New Jersey has been accepted. The admissions gaffe has caused confusion throughout the student body.

“I just didn’t know how to handle it,” freshman Alex King said. “I asked her where she was from, and she said, ‘Kansas!’”

According to King, the slew of awkward introductions during Orientation Week was only bearable because everyone could feign satisfaction from jokes about Chris Christie or the notorious “Florida man.”

Lilli Putt, the student from Kansas, says that her first week made her feel “really embarrassed.”

“I had literally never heard the word ‘Publix’ uttered in my life,” Putt said. “Every introduction I had was just so weird. I would ask their name and where they were from, and then they’d ask the same.”

After the initial introductions, these students have been silently staring down at their laps, straining to think of more forced questions to ask each other while they turned their phones on, swiped a couple times and then turned them off.

Determined, Lilli Putt has also tried to befriend a group of commuter students, but when confronted with a non-Florida native, they just yelled at the top of their lungs for 11 minutes straight chanting, “This is how we do it in the 305.”

For now, it seems, the school’s first admit from outside Florida or New Jersey in history will have to accept that she’s not in Kansas anymore.

Conner Barrett is a sophomore majoring in political science. The situations used in this work are fictitious.

August 24, 2016

About Author

Conner Barrett


3 COMMENTS ON THIS POST To “Freshman admitted from Kansas, stirring confusion on campus”

  1. Ian says:

    Even though this story was meant to be funny, and not being from either of those places, I understood the humor behind it, but it still needs to have a point to it. Just repeating that everyone is from Florida and New Jersey is not teaching me anything or giving me something to think about after I finish reading the story.

  2. Mike says:

    I get that it’s fictitious, I just don’t get the point to it either though? Why bother even posting this, did anyone find it funny? Did it make some kind of point in its humor?

  3. Aimee says:

    I find it really hard to believe that only people from New Jersey and Florida have been admitted to UM when I had friends from multiple states other than Florida and New Jersey when I was there!

Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

Last year the rain fell in torrents. Wednesday was all scorching sunshine. Fifteen former Miami Hurr ...

See phtos from the University of Miami's annual Pro Day, where outgoing UM players perform for ...

Quarterback Brad Kaaya ambled out of the Schwartz Center for Athletic Excellence close to 3 p.m. Wed ...

A woman has accused NFL Hall of Famer and former University of Miami star wide receiver Michael Irvi ...

Today is special for 15 former Hurricanes football players from the University of Miami. It’s Pro Da ...

More than 250 participants met at the UM Fieldhouse at the Watsco Center to learn more from industry ...

Redshirt freshman diver David Dinsmore won the NCAA national championship in the men’s 10-meter plat ...

UM junior Gina Panarese was surprised on campus Thursday by the Ellen DeGeneres show and asked to pa ...

A conversation with Belén Garijo and Felicia Marie Knaul. ...

Nova Southeastern University’s Jacqueline A. Travisano will be UM’s Executive Vice President for Bus ...

At The Net with Piotr Lomacki ...

The University of Miami men's basketball team will face Princeton on Dec. 2 in the Naismith Mem ...

The University of Miami track and field team will compete at two of the top outdoor meets in the Uni ...

What's Pro Day like at The U? We followed along from start to finish to find out. ...

Greg Veliz delivered a sparkling performance on the hill, but Miami fell to No. 12 FGCU 3-0. ...

TMH Twitter Feed
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly on Thursdays during the regular academic year.