You know, at the end of each year in college, I say, “This one went by the fastest” – but the school year of 2015-16 definitely did. Maybe that’s because I rode through it on a hoverboard.
It’s weird that it whizzed by this fast considering that many of the promised new construction projects were delivered later than we expected, also known as on Miami time. For example, the Fate Bridge, plastered with “I am the master of my fate” from “Invictus” at its entrance, couldn’t open until October. What happened to being the master of its fate? Shouldn’t it have seen the delays coming? Maybe it got cold feet when it saw another bridge 20 feet downstream.
Meanwhile, the school was plagued with the fear of a widespread, viral epidemic – known as untan skin – when the UC pool didn’t reopen until January. Oh, did you think I meant the Zika virus? How could you possibly bring up that lightweight at a time when “Suntan U” went a whole semester without its pool?
For more on the school’s new additions, you can check out a previous “Maturity Column,” in which I tackled the school’s two napping pods or, as I refer to them, two sperms that just ate Fun Dip.
However, the school not only tacked on perks, but also took things away.
In the beginning of the spring semester, The Miami Hurricane reported that our university had been going around at night and removing the Muscovy ducks, in addition to former Head Coach Al Golden.
I checked in with our sources from this story and they confirmed that the mutant ducks and Golden have been restored to their original homeland, where the former head coach is now a proud mother of three red-faced ducklings – his first recruits from Miami in his career.
Of course, who’s even talking about football anymore? The city once again converted into a basketball city in March and April as it saw the Hurricanes men’s and women’s teams, and the Miami Heat, make their respective end-of-year playoffs. Also, the Florida Panthers made the big dance in the NHL, which you probably didn’t notice since both “Florida panthers” and “hockey” are on the state’s endangered species list.
And even more rare than an ice rink down here, the school also inaugurated its 6th president in its 91-year history, Dr. Julio Frenk.
Besides our university president, we also might have had the next president of the United States on campus when we hosted the Republican debate in March. However, none of us can confirm that, since it happened during spring break when we were all either at South Beach or home in New Jersey. Either way, I have been informed that the Miami Maniac won the debate, with that name no longer referring to Hurricane Baseball’s mascot, but instead Donald Trump’s hair in South Florida humidity.
Now, we’re coming up on May, and I’m realizing that every joke I have just written about this campus is just derived from my anxiety. This is my last column as a junior, and every ensuing month this fall will be my “last” of that month as a Miami Hurricane. I love this school, and I will treasure each and every one of these moments – until one fine spring evening, when a university worker swoops in and kidnaps me to unite me with the Muscovy ducks and Mother Al Gold-Hen.
Danny New is a junior majoring in broadcast journalism. The Maturity Column runs alternate Mondays.