Dear V,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year or so. We met on a fetish website and hit it off instantly, so we’re just as close to each other physically as we are emotionally, and we’ve shared a lot of unique moments.
We’ve enjoyed trying out new things in the bedroom. I’ve become a lot more sexually experienced because of him. We’ve tried BDSM and group sex, things I would never have the guts to try on my own. He’s helped me become comfortable with my body and exploring my sexuality; dating him has been a huge confidence boost.
Problem is, he’s starting to take things too far. He keeps asking for things he knows I can’t imagine doing. His most recent idea was dressing up like a baby and having me take care of him for a day. Diapers, bottles, blankets and all.
I’m not sure I can keep trying things that are this “out there.” It was exciting and brand new at first, but I’m starting to want to have normal sex again. I’m afraid of letting him down, but I don’t want to keep him from exploring everything he wants to.
Should I dump my fetish-fanatic boyfriend or try to work things out?
Sincerely,
Missing the Norm
Dear Missing the Norm,
Wow, take a step back there – the guy pulls out his binky and you’re ready to call it quits!
How does that old saying go again? You scratch my back, I change your diaper?
In all seriousness, it’s good to try out new things in the bedroom with a partner that you trust. Exploring your sexuality can help you become more self-confident and can also help a couple connect on a deeper level.
I mean, hey, the occasional whip, blindfold or spank can be fun.
That said, there is a point when it all becomes too much. People get so caught up with pushing the limits that they forget to slow down and experience the other side of sex: the deep, emotional experience of intimacy. Passionate sex can help you feel a deeper bond with someone you care about.
Your guy isn’t going to know he’s pushing the envelope unless you tell him straight up. Tell him you feel that you’re both taking things a bit too far and you’d like to slow down. That doesn’t mean you can only have one type of sex from now on, but just that each romp in the sack doesn’t have to be limit-pushing and boundary-breaking.
He should be cool with taking things more slowly and pleased that you’re comfortable talking about these things with him. If he isn’t willing to cut back the heat, though, maybe it’s time to hit the road. You don’t want someone who’s selfish in the bedroom – sex is as much about giving as it is about taking.
Slow things down and see how it goes. Maybe you’ll end up connecting in a different way than you have before.
-V