I’ve been in a friend-with-benefits situation with a guy for a few months. We hook up once or twice a week and have gotten to know each other pretty well when it comes to the bedroom. He knows what I’m into and I always have a good time with him. Thing is, it’s hard for me to reach the “end zone” when I’m with someone – I get stage fright and end up psyching myself out before I finish.
The guy I’m with has no idea because I’ve been faking it this whole time. I don’t know what to do now – if I suddenly start asking him to do more of this or less of that, he’ll figure out that something’s up. I feel guilty because I do enjoy myself with him – it’s just that reaching the end point isn’t easy for me in front of someone else. How do I talk to him about helping me get there?
Dear “Big O”-livia,
First off, stop dancing around the word like it’s a taboo – you can’t orgasm during sex.
This is a common thing that many women (and men) experience from time to time. For some, it’s nearly every time they’re intimate with themselves or with a partner. Some people aren’t able to get to the end zone simply because of mechanics or method, while others like you have more of an issue with performance anxiety – what’s going on in your head – rather than what’s going on downstairs.
The first thing you should do is talk to your guy. It will be awkward at first, but if you’re comfortable with each other, he should be understanding. You don’t have to tell him you’re not orgasming when you’re with him. Rather, experiment on yourself first and figure out what makes you tick. Then ask him to switch it up in the bedroom and suggest things you know would help you finish. You’ll end up more satisfied that way but won’t have to confess you’ve trumped Leo with your Oscar-worthy performances.
No one should ever feel pressured to fake it. In the moment, we’re so focused on pleasing our partner that we lose sight of our own pleasure in the process. Life is too short to be having less-than-satisfying sex and both partners should make sure the other person gets what they need out of the romp.
So, create your own methodology while you’re by yourself and are anxiety-free, then suggest these tactics to your FWB. He’ll be excited to try something new and you’ll end up exciting yourself in the process.
Clear your head and remind yourself you’re comfortable with him, then experiment with what you’ve tried on yourself. Every good performance needs a little improv and maybe even some new props.