Dear V: My bae might be gay

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Dear V,

My boyfriend hasn’t been attracted to me lately and hasn’t wanted to have sex as much as usual.

I had a gut feeling something’s wrong, so I went through his phone. I feel guilty about it and want to tell him, but I don’t know how to apologize without mentioning what I found.

He’s been talking to a guy constantly. They exchanged Snapchats and I’m concerned about the kind of Snaps they’re sharing – the conversation between them seems quite flirty.

I think my boyfriend might be questioning his sexuality. I feel awful – this is the guy I’m dating and am in love with. If he’s not straight, why is he with me, a girl? Please help.

Sincerely,

Overlooked Olivia

Dear Overlooked Olivia,

First off – since you’re already guilty, I won’t beat you over the head – but in any relationship, no matter how rocky things are, you shouldn’t go through your significant other’s phone.

Relationships should be built on trust. If you’re constantly doubting your partner’s honesty, then you either have trust issues and should work on that first, or you and your partner aren’t meant to be.

Now, for the second issue – whether your boyfriend is involved with another guy – don’t take that personally. He probably does love you, but he might be realizing that he loves you platonically, not sexually. This isn’t something to be upset about. Sexuality is a fluid thing and it takes many people decades to discover themselves.

The true thing to be upset about is if he’s cheating on you with this guy. No matter whether he’s questioning his sexuality or not, it’s not right to go behind your back like that. If he’s questioning, he should have ended your relationship.

If you’re certain that’s what’s going on, then it’s time to admit you snooped. Try to have a conversation with him about what you saw without painful, back-and-forth accusations.

If you aren’t sure, then ask him to explain himself before jumping to conclusions. Maybe he’s just getting to know someone as a friend. If you have no proof otherwise, don’t assume the worst before getting the facts.

Either way, it’s time to move on. It’s clear you and your boyfriend don’t have a foundation of trust if you went through his phone. Take a break to focus on yourself and your own life.

If it turns out your boyfriend is questioning, move on, but offer him support as a friend. He’s not doing it to hurt you and this can be difficult to come to terms with.

He’ll need a strong support system – and that includes you. Good luck.

-V

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