Dear V,
Over the break, I went home to spend time with family and friends. My best friend from high school threw a party that got out of control – we were all getting trashed, myself included. One thing led to another and I accidentally hooked up with an ex of mine.
Now, I’d usually say “score” and brag to all of my friends after coming back to campus, but this time is different. I’ve been dating a guy for a few months and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be pleased. We haven’t talked about being exclusive yet, so it’s not like I cheated on him, but I’m pretty sure he isn’t seeing anyone else. I feel like he would want to know what happened, but I’m afraid he might ditch me.
What should I do?
Sincerely,
Guilty Conscience
Dear Guilty Conscience,
Just because you haven’t had “the talk” doesn’t mean you should disregard someone’s feelings before acting on an impulse. Relationships aren’t black and white – there are gray shades in between. About 50, depending on what you’re into.
He might have assumed you two have been exclusive for a while and end up crushed by the news. This doesn’t mean you should hide the truth from him. Be honest about what happened. He might not care at all and not want to commit to one girl just yet, leaving you in the clear. Or, he could potentially be upset and want to call it quits.
Where to go next is up to him – you just need to do your part and be honest.
The bigger issue isn’t that you hooked up with someone, but who you hooked up with. This isn’t about whether you’re ready to commit to somebody yet – it’s about whether you still have feelings for your old flame. Since he was your go-to hookup in your hometown, it’s doesn’t look like you’ve moved on from your ex yet.
It’s one thing if you had a random one-night stand with a stranger, but this was a romp in the sack with somebody you have history with. Running back to exes is never simply a mistake. There’s something about him you’re just not over, and if that’s the case, it’s not fair to string along a new guy to fill the emotional void.
Ask yourself if you’re ready to move on from your past. If the answer is yes, have an honest conversation with your new beau and decide together whether you’re allowed to see other people or not. If you’re not ready to move on from your past, let your new guy off the hook and work on moving forward.
After all, nobody wants to be a rebound – particularly one who’s just filling in for the ex in your hometown.
-V