Opinion, Satire

CaneFest freebies cause chaos

The fresh-faced class of 2019 was rudely awoken by several trampling incidents that occurred at the annual Canefest on Saturday. The event, attended by over 2,000 freshmen and upperclassmen, was overrun by “crazy kids who just really wanted free stuff,” said one distraught source who had been knocked to the ground for the last Whole Foods goodie bag.

By the time the University of Miami riot police got on the scene, there were over 100 injured students and even more freshmen sulking about missing out on free Shake Shack custard.

“It appears that the sheer volume of students desperate for free stuff overwhelmed the limited space in the BUC,” said one officer who managed to make it to the main floor after waiting in line and having flyers shoved in his face for 45 minutes. “Students have been sent to the ER with bruises and some broken bones after the uncontrolled chaos we witnessed here tonight.”

The Canes Emergency Response Team (CERT) was baffled by the sheer number of injuries they had to attend to before EMTs and UM physicians arrived on the scene.

“People started getting knocked into tables, pushed onto the ground,” one club representative said. “We kind of had to wake up, like woah – this is not a drill.”

Not all is gloom and doom, however. Club presidents reported extreme satisfaction at the end of the event, averaging 150 names on their email sign-up lists.

“I’m so impressed with how today went,” said the president of UM Dungeons and Dragons as club officers packed up the stacks of empty Domino’s Pizza boxes at their table. “We’ve never gotten so much interest before! Looks like I’ll have to find a bigger venue for our weekly meetings.”

Jackie Yang is a sophomore majoring in neuroscience and English. The events, characters and organizations described in this work may be fictitious. Any resemblance to real entities is purely coincidental.

August 23, 2015

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Jackie Yang


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