Opinion, Satire

CaneFest freebies cause chaos

The fresh-faced class of 2019 was rudely awoken by several trampling incidents that occurred at the annual Canefest on Saturday. The event, attended by over 2,000 freshmen and upperclassmen, was overrun by “crazy kids who just really wanted free stuff,” said one distraught source who had been knocked to the ground for the last Whole Foods goodie bag.

By the time the University of Miami riot police got on the scene, there were over 100 injured students and even more freshmen sulking about missing out on free Shake Shack custard.

“It appears that the sheer volume of students desperate for free stuff overwhelmed the limited space in the BUC,” said one officer who managed to make it to the main floor after waiting in line and having flyers shoved in his face for 45 minutes. “Students have been sent to the ER with bruises and some broken bones after the uncontrolled chaos we witnessed here tonight.”

The Canes Emergency Response Team (CERT) was baffled by the sheer number of injuries they had to attend to before EMTs and UM physicians arrived on the scene.

“People started getting knocked into tables, pushed onto the ground,” one club representative said. “We kind of had to wake up, like woah – this is not a drill.”

Not all is gloom and doom, however. Club presidents reported extreme satisfaction at the end of the event, averaging 150 names on their email sign-up lists.

“I’m so impressed with how today went,” said the president of UM Dungeons and Dragons as club officers packed up the stacks of empty Domino’s Pizza boxes at their table. “We’ve never gotten so much interest before! Looks like I’ll have to find a bigger venue for our weekly meetings.”

Jackie Yang is a sophomore majoring in neuroscience and English. The events, characters and organizations described in this work may be fictitious. Any resemblance to real entities is purely coincidental.

August 23, 2015

Reporters

Jackie Yang

Jackie Yang can be reached via email at jyang@themiamihurricane.com.


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

Most NBA mock drafts had Miami Hurricanes guard Davon Reed going late in the second round of Thursda ...

University of Miami shooting guard Davon Reed will gather with friends and family in Ewing, New Jers ...

University of Miami great and Pro Football Hall of Famer Warren Sapp announced on Tuesday that he pl ...

The University of Miami continues to make a hard push for five-star point guard Immanuel Quickley of ...

The University of Miami’s 2018 football recruiting class, already ranked the best in the country by ...

UM female scientists share some insight on women in science, science in Hollywood and how Wonder Wom ...

Read the latest entries from UM students who are spending part or all of their summer visiting diffe ...

UM Student Affairs Advocacy Coordinator Heather Stevens has been awarded the William Leftwich Award ...

President Julio Frenk makes the case for collaboration at eMerge Americas. ...

UM College of Engineering Dean Jean-Pierre Bardet and alumnus Rony Abovitz share the stage in a disc ...

The Atlantic Coast and Big Ten Conferences announced Monday, the University of Miami men's bask ...

Three members of the University of Miami men's tennis players have been selected as All-ACC Aca ...

The University of Miami women's golf team had four individuals selected to the 2017 Atlantic Co ...

A freshman from Stratham, N.H., Rebecca Ripley of the Miami women's basketball team sat down wi ...

University of Miami standout Shakima Wimbley is headed to the 2017 IAAF World Championships in Londo ...

TMH Twitter Feed
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly on Thursdays during the regular academic year.