Dear V

Dear V: Blast from the past…

My ex-boyfriend from high school contacted me. He says he misses me and wants to get back together. We haven’t talked since I left for college. I’m wrapping up my sophomore year, and I really don’t want to return to an old flame. He reminds me of the person I used to be, and it’s time for me to move on. The other problem is that he is coming to visit his uncle who lives in Miami, and I haven’t had sex in a while. So I’m really in a bind.


My Not-So-Chemical Romance

Dear Black Parade recruit,

To start, your reference to 2008 alternative music gives me feels in a Tumblr kind of way.

It can be difficult to resist the longings for past love. He sounds like your first real relationship and the person responsible for your sexual awakening.

Kate Chopin’s got nothing on you, girl.

To be fair, we have physical needs that require fulfilling. There’s only so much toys and vibrators can achieve. If you’re able to find a substitute for the real “D,” then my wildest dreams have come true.

This guy cannot come out of the blue and rekindle what was once there. He should not expect that his magic dragon can ignite the passion both of you shared in the hallways before fifth period.

An easy way to figure this out is to remember the break up. Why did it happen? What was terrible about him? Why couldn’t you give him? In this way, the nostalgia of teenage romps on Makeout Mountain will soon be replaced with the he-said-she-said battles of leaving for college and working on something long distance.

However, if the sex is as good as you say it is, then I’m more inclined to let you go along with this whim. Keep in mind that his only job is to satisfy you and then he returns right back where he came from. All you have to do is continue to live in sunny Miami with a clean set of pipes.

It’s totally natural for you to feel in a “bind.” Each of my exes made me the person I am today. Without them, I wouldn’t have learned about why fetishes are only fun in theory and why spanking leaves me with more pain than pleasure.

Count on him to deliver. If he is coming all this way for a reunion episode, then you’d better see results. Let him do all the work and you be your beautiful, bae self.


February 18, 2015



Advice Columnist

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