V's Take

Dear V: Blast from the past…

My ex-boyfriend from high school contacted me. He says he misses me and wants to get back together. We haven’t talked since I left for college. I’m wrapping up my sophomore year, and I really don’t want to return to an old flame. He reminds me of the person I used to be, and it’s time for me to move on. The other problem is that he is coming to visit his uncle who lives in Miami, and I haven’t had sex in a while. So I’m really in a bind.

Sincerely,

My Not-So-Chemical Romance

Dear Black Parade recruit,

To start, your reference to 2008 alternative music gives me feels in a Tumblr kind of way.

It can be difficult to resist the longings for past love. He sounds like your first real relationship and the person responsible for your sexual awakening.

Kate Chopin’s got nothing on you, girl.

To be fair, we have physical needs that require fulfilling. There’s only so much toys and vibrators can achieve. If you’re able to find a substitute for the real “D,” then my wildest dreams have come true.

This guy cannot come out of the blue and rekindle what was once there. He should not expect that his magic dragon can ignite the passion both of you shared in the hallways before fifth period.

An easy way to figure this out is to remember the break up. Why did it happen? What was terrible about him? Why couldn’t you give him? In this way, the nostalgia of teenage romps on Makeout Mountain will soon be replaced with the he-said-she-said battles of leaving for college and working on something long distance.

However, if the sex is as good as you say it is, then I’m more inclined to let you go along with this whim. Keep in mind that his only job is to satisfy you and then he returns right back where he came from. All you have to do is continue to live in sunny Miami with a clean set of pipes.

It’s totally natural for you to feel in a “bind.” Each of my exes made me the person I am today. Without them, I wouldn’t have learned about why fetishes are only fun in theory and why spanking leaves me with more pain than pleasure.

Count on him to deliver. If he is coming all this way for a reunion episode, then you’d better see results. Let him do all the work and you be your beautiful, bae self.

V

February 18, 2015

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

Jesus Luzardo had yet to throw a single pitch as a professional baseball player in 2016 when he unde ...

Former Miami Hurricanes quarterback Robert Marve has been arrested in Hillsborough County on an out- ...

Mark Richt has led the Miami Hurricanes back into the national college football conversation during ...

University of Miami coach Mark Richt and his vaunted 2018 signing class, nicknamed #Storm18, should ...

Part four of a five-part series on UM’s defense with the start of fall camp a month away: Cornerback ...

A School of Communication associate professor played an important hand—an artistic one!—in World Cup ...

University of Miami law and political science professors weigh in on Trump’s SCOTUS nominee. ...

Research bioclimatologists with the UM Synoptic Climatology Lab counsel cities on how to manage risi ...

A UM-led study is examining how children’s play behavior at beaches could impact their health. ...

Political polarization, distrust in fact-based knowledge and verbal targeting may be fueling the ons ...

University of Miami head volleyball coach Jose "Keno" Gandara announced the additions of K ...

Three-time CSCAA Honorable Mention All-American diver Wally Layland and two-time ITA All-American te ...

Miami head women's tennis coach Paige Yaroshuk-Tews announced Thursday the signing of two more ...

University of Miami head football coach Mark Richt was among the 20 coaches selected to the preseaso ...

Miami opens the Wooden Legacy against La Salle on Thanksgiving Day in Fullerton, Calif. ...

TMH Twitter
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.