10:00 AM- Hit the gym for a preemptive work-out. Good thing it’s February, so bikini season doesn’t start until…oh wait.
12:00 PM- Ate a salad for lunch. I cannot afford to waste valuable intestinal real estate on dry, disgusting dining hall cake today.
3:45- My boyfriend and I begin our walk from the dorms to the BUC. I try to contain my anticipatory drool and maintain a lady-like façade.
3:58- Walking past the volleyball courts, I get my first whiff of sweet sugar on the wind. I lose my battle against the drool.
4:00- We arrive at the BUC exactly as dessert war is declared (AKA the event’s official start time). We get in line to take a photo with Sebastian before we enter paradise.
4:01- Who are we kidding? There are thousands of dessert samples just feet away. The ibis can wait.
4:10- We reach the front of the line, where I am handed my media pass, ballots, and raffle tickets. Each one is redeemable for one dessert sample. I decide that if we run out, I’ll try to play the media card to get extra ones, journalistic integrity be damned.
4:11- We have walked into real-life Candyland. This is overwhelming
4:12- We come up with a game plan: work our way through the vendors counter-clockwise, taking samples only from the tables that look really appealing to us. Then we can come back to the ones that we skipped. After all, we have only a limited number of tickets; don’t want to spend them all in one place!
4:13- We begin our dessert extravaganza at Nancy’s Cakepops. Josh isn’t a big fan of cakepops in general (should that be a dealbreaker?), so I eat most of these. Really taking one for the team there.
4:15- Next up- unReal Foods. They don’t require tickets from us, so they get a high rating on my scorecard for that alone. Also, their desserts are gluten-free and organic, so that means that eating a brownie, s’mores cupcake, and green tea-lemon cupcake is the same as eating vegetables. Sweet, sweet vegetables.
4:18- Baklava Coffee has treats made with every type of nut you can imagine, plus cherry baklava. I black out for a minute when I take a bite, they are so good. This is Josh’s new favorite.
4:20- Continuing our tour of international cuisine, we stop at Made With Love Brigadeiro for Brazilian bon-bons. We get the traditional Brazilian delicacies of Nutella and churro flavors. They are melt-in-your-mouth good. I consider getting a dozen more, but we need to save tickets! They are my new favorite.
4:22- Chocolate chip-oreo-brownie bites. Pro tip- the longer the name of the dessert, the closer it is to perfection. Forget the truffles, these should definitely win.
4:23- We skip the vegan, sugar-free stand. What ingredients do you even have left to use?
4:26- I eat this Italian cake. It had a fancier name, but I immediately forget it because I am as giddy as a kid in a candy store. Except the candy is fresh baked goods and it is all free. They should change the phrase to “as giddy as a reporter at a dessert contest”. Regardless, this is definitely the best dessert so far.
4:29- We discover while exchanging tickets for a guava bite that we have been trading too many per dessert. I consider throwing a tantrum. Instead, I drown my sorrows in a brownie.
4:31- It’s a red velvet cupcake with a heart on top made by newlywed bakers in honor of Valentine’s Day. I think my sweet tooth aches.
4:34- “Oh hey, what are you drinking today, Madelyn?” “Nothing special, just a crème brulee!!!”
4:36- This muffin has protein powder in it. I’m getting such balanced nutrition today. My parents would be proud.
4:39- Real delicious ice cream
4:40- Fake delicious ice cream
4:41- Josh starts crying for milk. We really are regressing back to childhood.
4:42-4:52: Here are photos of things we ate. They probably tasted good. I am starting to feel a little funny.
4:53: We’ve made it around the room once and still have a ton of tickets. We have to use them…right? RIGHT???
4:57- We get seconds on baklava. It doesn’t taste as good. I’m feeling a little manic.
5:00- I impulsively get something vegan and sugar-free. My judgment has been compromised.
5:04- We were going to get dinner after this, but even lettuce sounds too sweet.
5:07- I am pacing endless circles around the room. Maybe if I eat enough dessert, I will feel better.
5:08- I do not feel better.
5:09- I feel worse.
5:10- Much worse.
5:11- Cakes and More Store gives me a whole cupcake and a cake pop for a single ticket. I consider trading the rest of our tickets for cupcakes and smuggling them out, but we don’t have enough hands. Also, the thought of another cupcake makes me want to throw up.
5:13- I take this mini-tiramisu just to get a pretty photo for the paper. I’m going to throw it out without taking a bite. Sorry starving African children.
5:14- Okay, just one bite.
5:14:30- Nope, no, I regret that decision. Nothing has flavor anymore.
5:17- Josh goes to the chocolate fountain stand because he “needs the strawberry”.
5:19- The pie-eating contest is about to begin. Who are these self-loathing masochists? Haven’t your arteries suffered enough already?
5:20- Fairly certain the announcer is the same guy from the Miami Marathon (#humblebrag). Is that ironic? I don’t remember what words mean anymore.
5:21- I accidentally switch my iPhone camera to selfie-mode while photographing the pie-eating contest. Josh and I take this picture.
We were trying to smile normally, but our eyes give away our descent into sugary delirium.
5:24- Look into his eyes. He didn’t even win. But he has to live with this moment for the rest of his life.
5:30- We leave. We still have tickets, but we run. And by run, I mean waddle.
5:32- I discover a whoopee pie packaged in my bag. It makes me sick to look at. I crush it in my bare hands (I wish this was a joke).
5:33- I taste some of the frosting. I want to vomit.
5:40- We run into one of our friends on the walk back to the dorms. We giggle at him and he looks at us strange. YOU DON’T KNOW THE HELL WE’VE BEEN THROUGH.
5:45- I collapse on my bed. My whole body is vibrating. My stomach hurts. I want to pass out in a sugar coma but I can’t sit still.
5:50- Maybe this is how we should torture people. Make them eat their favorite food until even the thought of it makes them sick.
5:55- I am the ultimate first world problem.
6:00- No regrets.