Dear V

Dear V: Doing the deed on the down-low

V,

I’ve been seeing this guy for a while and we both live at home. Things are going great, except for one small thing: we both live at home. With no dorm room to escape to, we’re having trouble finding a spot for, ahem, alone time. Any tips for how we can fool around without worrying about mom and dad walking in?

                                                                                                Sincerely,

                                                                                            Full House

 

Dear Stuck in the Suburbs,

Sounds like you’re faced with the age-old teenage problem: getting down without being able to get out. And by out, I mean out of the nest. Gone are the days where you can sneak out during homeroom and shag beneath the bleachers.

Your struggle is universal – if you replace prying little sister with socially awkward roommate. We at the University of Miami have refined the art of the public rendezvous by adding some culture to our mid-day meetups – hooking up in the stacks.

For anyone sick of stifling satisfaction between the shelves – who isn’t turned on by that dusty textbook smell – I have your solution. Here’s a list of places to do the dirty – aside from the stacks – where you won’t be caught by your roommate (or, in your case, your mommy.)

The Arboretum (Behind the Physics Building)

 We all know it as the favorite smoke-up spot – strictly cigarettes of course – but with the new, smoke free policy in place, maybe it’s time to take your mouth off the death sticks. Though the coverage isn’t ideal, the trees provide protection from sunburn where the sun don’t shine. Not to mention, the flowers provide a little ambience that Club Richter lacks.

The Secret Stairwell in the SAC

 No, not the big one where everyone can see you, but the one that no one knows about in the back of the third floor. Leading down to the Rat and looking out over the lake, this sexy spot provides the dual benefits of privacy and the spicy scents of the Rat to mask your own spicy scents. Not to mention, the view is pretty pleasing, even if your partner isn’t.

Mahoney Kitchens

Cooking isn’t the only way to get dirty in the kitchen. Prop a chair against the door and pray neither the table (or the condom) breaks. There are no windows on those doors so all you have to worry about is the RA across the hall smelling something cooking. Time for the grown-up version of Pat-a-Cake: roll it and pat it and mark it with a … V.

Your Car

For a true high school throwback, relive those awkward front-seat kisses, before moving things to the back. Even the pioneers must have gotten down and dirty inside their wagons. Yes it’s a little cramped, but this is your chance for your own “Titanic” moment – steamy windows, handprint and all.

November 19, 2014

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


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