V's Take

Dear V: My man’s marbles don’t match …

V,

I need help. I went to go down on my boyfriend last night, and I noticed that one of his … members … is significantly lower than the other. I have extreme OCD, and the thought of this makes me cringe and want to clean my room a thousand times. How do I learn to deal with this?

Sincerely,

Drooping Dorothy

Dear Lena Dunham,

If this is a problem, you might as well just give up on penis as a whole.

All men’s testies are a little lopsided, and that is why males constantly run into girls.

I mean, seriously, wouldn’t it be kind of weird if they were even? Are you really going to tell me that your boobs are perfectly symmetrical? Of course they’re not, and that’s what makes them your boobalas.

Be proud of your boyfriend’s balls. Those are your balls. Might as well stuff them into a jar of pickling juice and let ‘em marinate.

Don’t be so worried about the fact that they’re uneven. You need to appreciate the crookedness of Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

If Righty weren’t trying to get away from Lefty, he would have made a run for it soon. So just appreciate that this outlying cough drop is only as far away as it is for now.

But just try to remember that some of the best things in life are uneven, so you should therefore learn to appreciate the art of the irregular.

First off, look at our city.

Miami is fruitful with an overwhelming ocean of Latinos, and this influx has transformed this not-just-Mexican metropolitan into the Mecca of American-Hispanic culture.

Sure, this city is oozing with crime and cocaine, but that’s what happens when the only available job is a waitressing gig at a Cuban coffee shop.

Next up, there are billions and billions of cars (all strangely lacking functional blinkers) in this ol’ metropolis, and just one road to enter its borders.

Don’t you just love when it’s 3:46 p.m., and you’re wedged in bumper-to-bumper, sandwiched between an overpopulated white van and a bumpin’ Mercedes from 1991?

And, finally, you can’t forget about our city’s income disparity. How many other cities are there in which you can drive past an orgy of homeless locals at the Wynwood Walls, and then see a Maserati slowly roll by without even throwing a half-eaten empanada their way?

This city’s welfare infrastructure is like a love-hate relationship. Half of it is totally miserable, and the other half is bathing in a bisque of gold.

Basically, if you live in Miami, you can handle anything that is uneven.

This is one of the most unfair, cruelly unplanned and unevenly distributed municipalities in the world. So if you can live here, a few displaced testicles shouldn’t bite (and neither should you when you go down).

V

 

November 16, 2014

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

Welcome to Bulletin Board Material, the Miami Herald’s weekday roundup covering everything in the So ...

RJ McIntosh grew up loving the University of Miami. So did Mark Walton. After all, both are from Sou ...

They have made their lists and checked them (at least) twice. And now, the final NFL draft boards fr ...

Remember Trent Harris, the Miami Hurricanes' sack leader everyone respected and raved about, th ...

The Hurricanes wrapped up spring with a big, as in 6-5 and 290 pounds, surprise on Saturday. Four-st ...

University of Miami graduates will hear from a group of extraordinary leaders during this year’s com ...

Cross-curricular performances by Frost School of Music students and faculty increase community aware ...

High-tech space helmet technology, a lifelike infant simulator and 3D printing are featured at the U ...

The Rosenstiel School of Marine and Atmospheric Science and NOAA have worked together for more than ...

The Energy and Conservation Organization was recognized with the 2018 Roberta “Bosey” Fulbright Foot ...

After a double-bye, the fourth-seeded and No. 15-ranked Miami women's tennis team begins ACC Ch ...

The Hurricanes will compete in the 54-hole Austin Regional at the University of Texas Golf Club from ...

The Hurricanes are headed to Fayetteville, Ark., to compete at the inaugural National Relay Champion ...

For the final time in his storied career, Miami head coach Jim Morris and his Hurricanes will make t ...

The Hurricanes fell behind in the middle innings and could not recover Wednesday, dropping a midweek ...

TMH Twitter
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.