Dear V

Freshman flings may fall flat …

Remember when you were four years old, and you would sit by the TV and watch “Rugrats” and “Slime Time Live” – and then go outside and play with Tamagotchis? Well, a fourth of this campus wasn’t even alive then.

Regardless of how young that may make them seem, we have an ethical dilemma to debate here, seniors: Is it okay to get with freshmen?

It’s obviously ethical, but the bigger debate is whether or not you will find them attractive.

I mean, how many times do you get slipped the ageless pickup line, “Hey, can I buy you a … Sprite?”

Not to mention, a freshman’s only experience in the sack is with the people they dated for a year and a half in high school, and then “took the next step together” at a prom after-party with three awkward, shifty hours of poking and replacing.

So, my upperclassmen friends, what is there to find attractive about the younger folk?

Well, for starters, they will try hard – they will give you the time you deserve.

Remember when you were a freshman, and you were so intimidated by those older people who had their whole lives figured out – or at least you thought they did?

Well, the freshman dudes are desperate for elder forbidden fruit, so they will cover all the condom and lube costs. And they’ll totally shave down below – they may even get fancy with forming a landing strip because of all the illegal porn they watch that features them.

And the freshman dudettes will find older men and their half-paid-off cars so attractive that they will be a little more giving, too.

Freshmen live in the towers, so you will have to worry about sexiling their roommates. Also, they have community showers, and unless you own 10,000 pairs of free flip-flops to dispose of, that is a hassle if you want a shower power hour – an hour of standing and squatting.

Next, they might just not understand you as an adult. They think the C-Store is called Outtakes, the SAC wasn’t always a roadblock on campus and CaneLink is an afternoon delight.

They have never lived by themselves before, and they are probably just learning the science of laundry for the first time.

Besides these growing pains, freshmen also don’t have to worry about the rest of their lives yet, so your stress levels may far outweigh theirs (or the opposite, because yours is figured out and the freshmen have no idea how constructing K’nex fortresses will land them an engineering gig).

So, in conclusion, they try hard and they will find you interesting and composed. And they will probably look up to you as a tour guide to college sex life and adulthood.

On the other hand, they are inexperienced, immature and too young to club (because “fakes” are just an awful idea).

Whether or not to date, mate or relate with them is up to you, but the more options the better.


November 12, 2014



Advice Columnist

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