This fall break leaves us some free time – and mainly some free time to get ready for the sluttiest, skankiest and sometimes creepiest holiday: Halloween.
As “Mean Girls” so accurately delineates, Halloween is a time for exploring exactly how far our skimpy outfits can go. At this rate, girls might as well just say they’re dressing up as Tarzan.
But ladies, I am here to tell you that there is a new way to attract men: “Dorky Wins.”
Think about it, if you dress like Lena Dunham on “Girls,” you will only attract men who want to …
1. Get in your pants and then never call you
2. Get in your pants and then call you the next day at 3 a.m.
3. Piss off their ex-girlfriends
4. Piss off their ex-boyfriends
5. All of the above
And since I doubt your self-esteem is that low, take V’s patented dorky option.
Think about it; dorks are taking over America. “The Big Bang Theory” is one of the most popular television shows. Chris Pratt in “Guardians of the Galaxy” was summer’s biggest winner. Engineering majors are more appealing than football players.
So don’t you want to attract an intelligent, high-income-potential man who will bake you scones instead of bring you Keystone?
Time. To. Get. Dorky.
FIRST STEP: Watch at least five minutes of the following programs: “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” “The League,” “Breaking Bad,” “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” and “Mean Girls” (for some reason, all men like this movie).
SECOND STEP: Don’t be Olaf from the Disney hit “Frozen.”
THIRD STEP: Copy the costume of one of the characters from the first step.
FOURTH STEP: No, really, don’t be Olaf. Don’t even bother writing about the struggles in your diary.
FIFTH STEP: Google the best lines from the show and learn them.
SIXTH STEP: Just wear big glasses. For some reason, it works.
FINAL STEP: Don’t do any of these things. You’re wasting valuable Netflix time.
If there’s one reason being a slutty nurse on Halloween won’t attract the right demographic, it’s because that’s not who you are.
You are not a slut. If you go to UM, then you are better than that.
The best way to attract the right man is to …
… cue Madonna …
… express yourself.
You do you, boo boo. That’s all I can say. Your friends will support you because you stuck to your beliefs, and so will men. In fact, you might even attract a man who likes the same crazy stuff that you do.
All in all, just dress up as something you find funny or interesting – a pun personified, Daffy Duck, obscure ‘90s cartoon characters, etc. – and wear it well.
Halloween is the best time to wear who you are on your sleeve so that everyone knows.
V