Dear V

To watch or not to watch, that is the question

Dear V,

I was on my boyfriend’s laptop while he was in the shower – although I won’t say why he had to shower – and when I started typing in websites, all these porn sites came up. I’m not the jealous type, but for some reason it really bothers me that he watches that garbage. But, like, are girls even allowed to get mad at their boyfriends for watching porn?

Sincerely,

Pornographic Paige

Dear Paige,

Good question. Mothers of pornstars around the planet are pondering the same predicament in reference to their husbands.

The problem with venturing down this road is that all men watch porn. So what you’re basically asking is, “Should I convert to lesbianism?”

Well, first of all, you can’t just magically switch sexual orientations, and second of all, of course you have a right to be mad. But that doesn’t mean you should be.

I mean, let’s break down porn for a second. If your boyfriend watches porn, that means he has an affinity for tramp stamps, atrocious acting and daddy issues.

And who wants a big slice of that? Given, that fits the description of every Kardashian program, but at least those have commercial breaks.

So don’t be mad. Address the situation; tell him you don’t like it – but that you’re going to work on it.

And even if he’s not keen on listening at first, letting your boyfriend watch porn has its advantages.

First, it makes you an awesome girlfriend.

Boys our age spent their teen years concealing their kickstands, secretly staying up late to watch Cinemax and periodically deleting their browser so the parents wouldn’t know what they were into, or not into.

All of a sudden, if the next person that runs into their life says, “Hey, you do you,” she’ll look like Mother Theresa. This will absolutely portend diamonds, fondue dates and an occasional night when he remembers to shave.

Second, it keeps him from thinking about girls he actually knows.

Let’s face it, everyone is the jealous type. And we are all the territorial apes raging in Mean Girls – sorry I didn’t post this on October 3.

If his late night sexual fantasies are preoccupied with online videos of Moaning Myrtle the Squirtle – did I just ruin your childhood? – he’ll never have time to think about that rich blonde from California in his business administration class.

Porn is a drain for men’s constant sexual desire – so let it just be comprised of you and females he’ll never meet.

In fact, porn will make him want you more.

Men always feel shameful after they watch it. They can’t believe they just watched two midgets and a donkey dressed as Aubrey Plaza go at it. What would their grandmas think?

That’s when they’ll think: “Wow, why am I watching this fake stuff when I have a beautiful lady-friend I could purchase a Pandora bracelet for?”

That might be giving men too much credit, but at least they’ll know you’re supportive of their weirdness.

And remember, there is always the possibility of having something worse to get mad at. Like the threat of chlamydia.

V

October 8, 2014

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


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