Dear V

Is it time to get an upgrade?

So Ol’ V here was casually moseying through the halls, when a resident uttered, “Girls just have an unrealistic expectation of  dick size.”

And it got me wondering: Does size really matter?

I mean sure, a hot dog fits more snug in a bun than the Lincoln Tunnel, but that’s an awful analogy anyway because nothing could fit snug in the Lincoln Tunnel (NOTE: I hereby copyright this idea for the next “Godzilla” film).

Point being, an age-old debate is whether the hamburger needs to be “Super-Sized” for maximum satisfaction, and I’m not so sure it does.

This is a serious topic for most college students because they’re not done growing yet – so many are insecure about their ability to garner some positive reviews with their props.

There’s a fine line between size and skill.

So, imagine a line graph. On one side, it says “size” and on the other it says “skill.”

You want to be somewhere in the middle. If you think it’s all about size, go watch “The Hunger Games” and enjoy the tasteful spectacle of District 11-Thresh getting eaten by wild dogs, or just watch Kendrick Perkin’s basketball career.

On the other hand, if you have no size but are hardworking, it will be difficult to satisfy anyone in the sack. You do need some gifts. I mean come on, it’s a heartwarming movie and all, but do you really want to be the “Rudy” of love-making? No one ever wants to hear “No I promise I really liked it!”

But don’t worry pinky-penises. There are always short girls.

Overall, balance is the best strategy for every facet of life, so you must strive for that either way. Think of the greatest in every category. Great basketball player: Michael Jordan (scoring title and defensive player of the year winner). Greatest band: The Beatles (three different singers). Greatest at being the worst school in history: Florida State University (balanced in having both really stupid and really, really stupid people).

Therefore, my male and female readers, have no fear. There’s no need to fret over not having the iPhone 6-Plus. The regular old 6 will do.


September 17, 2014



Advice Columnist

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