Dear V

Dear V: These itty-bitty beds leave me hanging

So here’s the big question: How do peeps get the deed done on those skinny little twin beds?

As most college students will learn – and especially our fruitful little freshmen – it is next to impossible to cozy up for some coitus on these narrow cribs. It’s like they gave us the Costco sample of an actual bed.

So, once again, the big question is: How can two people (maybe three, or even two and a half if you’re feeling adventurous) squeeze onto these planks of padding to fulfill their sexual college bucket list?

Well, don’t worry. As always, your dear friend V is here to help.

There are multiple options for this, so I shall provide a few.

First off, the obvious choice is standing. However, if you are like me, you get tired from standing for long periods of time. As an elementary school student, you also looked forward to boring assemblies when you could at least sit for an hour instead of standing around in gym class.

But still, if you are willing to commit, balancing on two feet is an option. And there’s always the desk for support.

Next, there is the body pillow option. Visit your local Bed Bath and Beyond and purchase two full-length body pillows.

Then, place your twin mattress on the floor, and sandwich it between the two body pillows. This will provide a broader surface for surfboarding and – drumroll – you can’t fall off. You can only roll into a new position.

But but but V, I can’t afford to buy pillows – I’m not one of those rich kids from California.

Have no fear, V is here to steer (not physically).

Instead, next time you head to the heavy-petting haven, put the bed on the floor, and then stick your bed pads and pillows next to it.

This also works as extra cushion for the pushin’, but is not plagued by the plights of poverty.

Other helpful tips include: putting the bed against the wall, investing in a futon that can slide out, going for a power hour in the shower and getting a sleeping bag that unzips.

If you find any more helpful tips, please tweet me (@dear_v), so I can share them with the world and promote proper passion.


September 14, 2014



Advice Columnist

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