Dear V

Dear V: Sex tapes sometimes wind up on my cloud

So this week we finally got to see what Jennifer Lawrence is hiding behind her Mystique.

You know the cloud? It’s not as fun and fluffy as it seems. Until 2011, whenever someone mentioned a “cloud” we would think of white, cotton candy-like shapes and more recently, the word could sometimes bring to mind a Katy Perry song.

But suddenly, an image that was so often associated with relaxation and euphoria, turned dark and stormy.

We’ve never understood Apple’s iCloud. Even when the company unveiled the new technology, we were confused as to how it worked. We were onboard with the whole, “you will no longer eat up your phone’s memory so fast” thing but that was about it.

And it seems like the cloud is still out of sync with its consumers. Naked pictures of several celebrities were released to the public this week and though Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark never get hot and heavy on camera, these images leave little to the imagination.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to a good nude here and there, I think there is a wonderful, erotic experience that comes from sharing the most carnal version of yourselves with another person. It’s that James Dean-like rebellion that we all crave and I get it, it’s magical.

But ladies – and gentlemen – let’s proceed with caution. If we have never understood the mystical powers of the Cloud why risk ourselves to having our privates displayed on the Internet for that creepy guy in prison to see? Just remember that any Joe Schmoe with a computer can do some IT geek voodoo and get ahold of these private displays of affection.

So here are some humble tips from yours truly to avoid getting caught with your pants down:

1. Turn off iMessage: While you still run the risk of Mister or Miss recipient saving that picture and putting it on the web, it’s much easier to track down. Plus, presumably, the person to whom you’re sending these pictures is a trusted human and will not breach your privacy. I hope.

2. Snail mail: You can get mail all the way from China which means that you can send your boo in California a picture of your snatch. Do we all understand this concept? If it fits, it ships. Check with your local post office for more details on that one.

3. Carrier pigeon: Nobody’s going to shoot down a pigeon to get a look at your privates. I’m just saying.

4. Have real sex … safely: There’s something rebellious about sending a nude picture to your significant other, it’s fun and exciting and it makes us all hot and heavy. But nothing beats the real thing. So why settle for the digital version when you can have a front row seat to your significant other’s genitals? If there’s a distance issue then that’s a different story but good old “bumpin’ uglies” is foolproof if you’re concerned about your image being leaked.

5. Phone sex: The tried and true method for long distance sexual encounters. No images, just your imagination to send you into an erotic whirlwind. Why fix it if it isn’t broken?

V

September 3, 2014

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • Error

Duke Johnson, the all-time leading rusher in Miami Hurricanes history, was one of a dozen members of ...

The Miami Hurricanes, still waiting for a starting quarterback to be named, are in the top 25 again. ...

Happy first day of school for everyone out there, including the University of Miami students. We jus ...

With the University of Miami season opener closing in, the next starting quarterback has yet to be n ...

The second fall scrimmage, closed to the media and public, is over. University of Miami coach Mark R ...

UM’s new chief academic officer holds some 40 patents, and in 2017 was inducted into the National Ac ...

University of Miami students and researchers are blogging during a month-long expedition in the Gulf ...

María de Lourdes Dieck-Assad, a world-renowned economist and former ambassador, fills a new role for ...

Through the U Dreamers Grant, DACA students find essential support as they pursue their college degr ...

UM students talk about their internships up north in a city that never sleeps. ...

RSS Error: A feed could not be found at http://www.hurricanesports.com/. A feed with an invalid mime type may fall victim to this error, or SimplePie was unable to auto-discover it.. Use force_feed() if you are certain this URL is a real feed.

TMH Twitter Feed
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly on Thursdays during the regular academic year.