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30 March 2014

Dear V: My relationship went down a toilet …

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V,

I was engaged to a co-worker, but this past weekend I saw him hooking up with some guy at Ultra. But he wasn’t just making out with someone random; he was hooking up in a port-a-potty. I mean, who does that? We were supposed to be waiting to get married when gay marriage was legal in Florida. So much for that commitment. What do I do, V? I was ready to spend my life with this man who turned out to be a man whore. 

Sincerely, 

I want a relationship like Bert and Ernie’s

 

 

Dear Ricky Martin,

I know it’s hard – seeing someone who you care about so dearly stab you in the back like that.

Truthfully, he did you a favor. He was clearly going to cheat on you anyway, so it’s better that he did it now instead of after the two of you were already married. Imagine how much sadder your life would be if you were a 20-something-year-old divorcee. You don’t want to be Ross from “Friends.” You just don’t.

You’re in a great place right now. You get to start your love life over. You get to be free and spend the weekends at Disko with all the super talented drag queens. They’re lots of fun and they’ll let you touch their fake boobies. Trust.

And then you can go to Palace for Sunday Brunch. Miss Noelle Leon will give you a shot that’ll mend your broken heart.

Let your partner live la vida loca and enjoy the rest of your 20s. This part of your life only happens once and it’s not worth it to sulk over a sucky man.

Lean on your best girlfriends and burn all of his stuff. A seance will help you reach a new level spiritually and send some bad juju his way.

Let me know if you need anything. I’ll put on a sequined top and accompany you to South Beach any day.

Much love and stay fabulous.

V