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5 March 2014

March brackets are pure madness

It’s almost that time of year again. All that matters is luck and the crafty art of randomness.

For those not aware, the best postseason in sports, the NCAA Basketball Tournament, is approaching, and there are important playoff brackets to be selected.

Across the nation, people of all demographics will overthink hundreds of matchups that are far less important than the report they have due the next day.

However, there’s always a chance you could win. And that’s what sports are all about.

On that note, here are a few simple steps for picking the right bracket:

1.  Write all 64 March Madness schools on individual note cards, and then arrange them in their actual bracket spots.

2.  Randomly remove two of the one seeds, and gently place them into a stinky diaper. They will deserve this after they ruin your bracket for you in the Elite 8. Don’t let them do that.

3.   Take all of the two seeds, casually dip them in peanut butter, and then feed them to your neighborhood rabid dog. Half of these two seeds will indubitably lose to 15 seeds in the first round (i.e. Florida Gulf Coast), and the other half will decide to lose in the Sweet 16 just because they can.

4. Retrieve Wisconsin, Ohio State and North Carolina. Almost every year, people pick these teams and get sad when their brackets turn inside out. Lock those cards in a room that has the chorus from “Baby” by Justin Bieber playing on loop. Now more than ever, these schools do not have the talent to continually advance (unless UNC magically plays Michigan State, Kentucky and Louisville in succession). Trust me, they deserve this terrible torture.

5. Pick up the Magic 8 Ball. Ask it: “Are Dylan and Doug McDermott related?” If it says no, throw the Creighton card away. If it says yes, throw the Magic 8 Ball away and repeat previous steps until satisfactory answer is received.

6.  Locate every team that has previously been in the Big East (probably Louisville, Syracuse, Cincinnati and Villanova), and give them a lollipop. They are your friends in this tournament. (Note: Give Syracuse the most broken of the lollipops. Miami should have beaten them both times).

7.   Ask a random woman in your office or Grandma which team to pick from this narrowed group. I don’t know why, but these two specific categories of women are always right. Probably because Grandmas are awesome. Hi Grandma, love you.

Obviously these are extreme steps, but my point is that March Madness outcomes are almost impossible to guess correctly. Therefore, try to have fun picking your bracket ­– ­because if a decision is too tough to make, you are probably thinking too hard.

My prediction: Miami will go undefeated in this tournament. Go Canes.

 

Danny New is a freshman majoring in broadcast journalism.