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2 March 2014

Dear V: My girlfriend wants British babes …

V,

My girlfriend admitted that she fantasizes about other people while we’re having sex. She told me that the action has gotten stale, and she imagines sleeping with celebrities. 

The weird part is that she is not into American stars like George Clooney or Leonardo DiCaprio. Instead she’s into the Brits like Benjamin Cumberbatch, Ralph Fiennes and Daniel Radcliffe. Her ultimate fantasy is to have a threesome with Cumberbatch and Radcliffe. She’s obsessed with these fandoms.

What do you think I should do? I really like her, but I don’t feel comfortable acting as a surrogate Potterhead.

Sincerely,

Can’t handle these Cumberbitches

 

 

Dear Every-guy-whose-girlfriend-has-a-Tumblr,

You’re going to have to build a big, fat bridge and get over it.

Honestly, if I were you I’d just have fun with it. Do you know the amount of leverage you can get over this girl if and when she makes you dress up like a boy wizard? The possibilities are endless. For example, have you ever had a Princess Leia/Jabba the Hutt fantasy? I’m sure you can get her to sport a metal bikini whenever it tickles your fancy just because she’ll owe you for the Sherlock/Potter fantasy.

Indulge in your deepest desires while at the same time playing into hers. It’s every guy’s dream to have a magical stick anyway,  so why not just make it a wand. I’m sure it’ll be more pleasurable than you think it will be, and let’s be real here – a little roleplay never hurt anybody.

If you really don’t feel comfortable with this to the point where it’s messing with your libido, then get rid of her. It’s not worth being with someone who doesn’t satisfy your needs, but demands you to satisfy theirs.

Or maybe, find a fantasy that you both like. Maybe it’s your calling as a couple to play the parts of dear Mr. and Mrs. Matthew Crawley, who took 100,000 years to get together and then he died … I’m not bitter. But that aside, maybe the upstairs/downstairs intrigue of “Downton Abbey” is something that the both of you could enjoy. She gets her English fix, and you get to stop thinking about being compared to The Boy Who Lived.

Though being that four-eyed little wizard nerd does have its upsides. After all, he was naked in front of an entire Broadway audience and became the fantasy of every teenage girl in America.

Think of yourself as Paul McCartney circa 1965 and you’ll be good to go. Channel that cheeky British humor and have at it.

V