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26 January 2014

Super Bowl to feature a frozen football frenzy

We New Jersey folks are very proud of our state. What exactly we are proud of, I am not sure, but it at least includes “The Sopranos” and Bruce Springsteen’s house, a.k.a. my favorite trick-or-treat destination.

This year, my beloved home state will be hosting its first Super Bowl. According to AccuWeather, the temperature is poised to break the record for the coldest Super Bowl ever, which was 39 degrees Fahrenheit. If it is indeed 39 degrees, most New Jerseyans will be outside tanning.

As you would suspect, the temperature is supposed to be in the 20s, with a calm, soothing breeze of 20 mph to bargain it down to the low teens. The two teams playing, the Denver Broncos and Seattle Seahawks, are not used to such conditions. According to weather.com, in December both cities experienced average highs in the mid 40s.

Fortunately, I don’t really care if it’s cold because I will still be in Miami, complaining about 60-degree cold fronts. And frankly, I want it to be cold. I want a giant blizzard-freak-storm that freezes the tailgate beverages mid-swallow. I want it to be so agonizingly frosty that the Red Hot Chili Peppers won’t be able to wear their “special socks” for their halftime performance because there will be nothing to hold them up.

A Blizzard-Super Bowl would be like the fifth Star Wars, when Luke Skywalker is having epic snow battles with wampas and yetties in ice caves. Unless professional sissy Tom Brady plays – in which case the Super Bowl would be a live-action version of Frozen.

There is something special about football in the snow. Remember the blizzard game between Philadelphia and Detroit in December, when it was snowing so hard you could barely see Ndamukong Suh kicking multiple players in their genitals? Wasn’t that beautiful?

Overall, this hazardous weather would add a dramatic effect to bring the most watched championship game to a higher level. However, it may have severe effects on the outcome.

While Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has never won a playoff game in 32 degrees or below, Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson was undefeated in November and December his senior year at University of Wisconsin, where the average lows for those months are 28 and 15 degrees, respectively.

When it all comes down to it, this game is going to be the best offense versus the best defense, including modern philosopher/linguist/Erin-Andrews-supporter Richard Sherman, the best cornerback in the game.

Though Sherman’s dreadlocks can be everywhere at once, he cannot cover all of Manning’s weapons: Demaryius Thomas, Julius Thomas, Wes Welker, Eric Decker and Manning’s forehead. Therefore, the soon-to-be five-time MVP should have no problem finding at least one of those targets every play, regardless of a potential polar vortex.

My prediction: Broncos 32, Seahawks 21. In other words, expect an increase in the number of Colorado children named Omaha this year.

 

Danny New is a freshman majoring in broadcast journalism.

One thought on “Super Bowl to feature a frozen football frenzy

  1. Another great article, but your editor is letting you down. That is not how you pluralize yeti, unless you meant the English folk group. In which case may God have mercy on your soul.

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