Dear V

Dear V: Help me dress like a slut…

V,

I don’t know what I am going to dress up as for Halloween. I went to the costume shop near Sunset Place and couldn’t decide what slutty persona to take on. Playboy bunny, hot pumpkin, firefighter with excellent pole-sliding skills or Miley Cyrus (VMA version, of course). What should I be to impress all of the sexy police officers, doctors and cavemen? Be honest with me. I have a great body and don’t want to hide it on the one day I can be a complete and utter slut.

Can’t Be Tamed

 

Dear Karen Smith,

Put your clothes back on.

I don’t care how great your body is, you are no Anna Nicole Smith circa 2001. Have some respect for your parents and practice some self-preservation.

I’m the first one to advocate wild behavior and relatively loose morals, but just because Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it, doesn’t mean it’s a free for all.

While I agree that the culture in this town is gearing more towards having to hang it all out there in order to attract male attention, I maintain that men can smell the desperate on you.

And you’ll definitely reek of Hoe No. 5 if you try to pull off any of these costumes.

You’re clearly a decent person if you’re second-guessing your outfit choices.

If you want my legitimate opinion, dress up in something that’s both sexy and classy … like Jessica Rabbit or Marilyn Monroe. Elegance is key, and a form-fitting red dress does wonders for your love life – especially if you have a body like the one you claim to have.

If I hear of a girl in leopard print lingerie with animal ears dancing on a bar in Brickell, I’ll know who they’re talking about … Don’t let that girl be you.

You should get closer to Jesus or something.

V

October 24, 2013

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


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