Dear V

Dear V: My boyfriend is a porn star…

V,

I was watching porn – guilty pleasure, I guess you could say – and someone I know appeared on the screen. Nope, it wasn’t a friend or an acquaintance … it was my boyfriend. I literally have no idea where to go from here. How do I tell him I saw him in porn? How do I tell him I even watch porn? I’m totally freaking out. Please help!

Sincerely,

My Bare Lady

 

Dear Zac Efron,

It must be really hard … seeing your boyfriend in a porno.

But in all seriousness, how did you not know your boyfriend had been in a porno? Something like this should come up in conversation. When you two made your lists of the people you’d been with before each other, he obviously failed to mention the Jenna Jameson look-alike and “Extra No. 2.”

You guys need to have a talk.

And if your boyfriend was in a porno, why do you need to watch porn? Shouldn’t you be satisfied enough with your real sex life since your boyfriend has been paid to have sex? Isn’t he supposed to be a professional? Unless his film was one of those trashy POV home-movie things that blow. Or maybe it was just really, really bad. This is a separate conversation, but if the two of you stay together, you’re going to need to re-evaluate your sexual chemistry.

In an attempt to not bruise his ego, I suggest you lie your little butt off and tell him that you enjoyed his movie more than you’ve ever enjoyed any other porno.

Regardless, he has some ‘splainin to do, Lucy.

What I would suggest is that you bring the conversation up subtly … or as subtly as one can bring something like this up. Watching porn is nothing to be ashamed of – and honestly, that’s the least of your relationship problems at this point. A boyfriend who’s been in porn definitely does not have the right to judge you for watching porn. Ever.

You should probably go out and get yourself tested. Chlamydia is no fun, and who knows where his junk has been? You need to think long and hard about the fact that through the transitive property, you’ve been having sex with a bunch of porn stars this whole time. And like, how many porn stars is that, exactly? More than five? More than 10? More than 20? I’m shuddering at the thought.

But let’s look at the bright side – you could potentially go into the business together. It can be a bonding thing that you do … like couple’s therapy.

V

October 9, 2013

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


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