Dear V

Dear V: Teach me how to be promiscuous…

Dear V,

Having read the advice you gave me last week, I’m a bit disappointed in your ability to counsel me, V. For one, I’m not 20 years old, and I am by no means a virgin. I am single and on regular birth control given that I am completely open to the idea of casual sex whenever it should occur. You say I’m interested in the thrill of the chase. That’s not true. Trust me, if I could have a relationship with my Vibrating Jimmy Jane, I would. And then you said at the very least I got to relieve stress? It was a very stressful situation! It was the worst. You say it was his technique, I don’t think that was it either. I took a sex class. He knew what he was doing. Why is it that I’ve made a decision to be promiscuous, yet can get turned on the way I’m supposed to? This happened when I tried kissing, touching and having sex too. Alcohol was my best friend this weekend.

Sincerely,

Unhappy and Unhorny

 

Dear Bitter Betty,

Is there a girl version of Whiskey Dick? Because it sounds like your problem may have just been that you were too inebriated to enjoy yourself.

On a much larger scale, you can’t just “make a decision to be promiscuous.” Promiscuity is an art form often aided by alcohol (though in this case it seemed to have been your undoing) and fate. The mood has to be right, and the situation has to lend itself to loose morals and slutty thoughts. Once all these stars align, philandering actions will take their course.

From what you’ve been sending me, you seem like the type of person that has had everything planned out since they were 5 years old. I’d like to exacerbate the fact that this is not one of those things where you can pull out your pink planner and circle the date three weeks in advance. It will eventually just happen and planning ahead won’t do you any good. You’re going to end up frustrating yourself and those around you.

Also, chill out because no one wants to be around someone who’s whining about how they can’t (or won’t) enjoy sex. Everyone should enjoy sex. Stop killing your vibe. Stop killing my vibe. Stop killing everyone’s vibe.

My best advice (since you seem to be dissatisfied with my previous answer) is to just calm the f*@! down. Sip a mojito by the pool, forget your worries and just let things come to you. Trust me, at some point, they will.

The next time a boy who “knows what he’s doing” is trying to touch you, stop thinking and just let it ride. You’d be surprised at the things you’ll accomplish with your thoughts turned off.

Now go watch “Magic Mike” and play with your “Vibrating Jimmy Jane.”

V

August 28, 2013

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


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