Opinion

Starting the semester off right

A strange phenomenon occurs when you’re a freshman in your first weeks here at UM: Various strangers wearing bright orange shirts catch you wandering around lost on campus – or in your dorm’s communal restroom – and survey you.

These strangers (you will later learn to refer to them as “other freshmen”) will each demand information from you, and if you’re not prepared for this never-ending onslaught of the same exact questions repeated forever until the end of time, you’ll want to throw yourself into Lake Osceola.

Thankfully, I have written an unsolicited guide to responding to the insatiable curiosity of your classmates.

“Where are you from?” Tell them the truth. They will likely follow up with, “Oh! Do you know my cousin [Name]?” Answer by saying “I love [Name]!” and continue lying. Always lie. Never don’t lie.

“Stanford or Hecht?” There is an annoying, imaginary rivalry between the two freshman residential colleges, so if you answer this truthfully and the surveyor grunts or expresses any other form of mindless negativity, say “Oh wait. Actually, yeah, it’s the other one. Whoops.”

“Do you like to party?” Say, “I don’t know, you tell me,” and start break dancing like it’s 1999.

“Do you smoke weed?” Even if you do, Just Say No. You never know who is working for UM’s secret police.

“Are you gonna rush?” Tell whoever this genius is that you don’t know what that means. After the future frat star explains, say, “No.”

“What’s your major?” This is it. This is the one. This question is an unstoppable force of nature. Answering this gets very tiring, very fast – so just have fun with it. Make up fake majors each time you’re asked, such as ‘Planet Engineering,’ or ‘Anime Studies.’

“Who’s your roommate?” Stare intensely and respond, “My roommate? Why, perhaps it could be you … For a price.” Lick your fangs, transform into the bat you truly are, and soar into the night sky, laughing at the chaos we call life.

Adrian Alonso is a sophomore majoring in creative writing.

August 25, 2013

Reporters

Adrian Alonso


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

The first University of Miami player to wear the coveted turnover chain will no longer play football ...

In 2016, the Miami Hurricanes had tight end David Njoku, who went in the first round of the 2017 NFL ...

Four days had passed since his University of Miami basketball team squandered a 13-point second half ...

The Miami Hurricanes’ search for offensive line help is set to continue on the weekend of Jan. 26, w ...

It looks like Chad Thomas will have another opportunity to show NFL scouts that he is ready to play ...

Presidents at three higher education institutions in Miami "lend our unified voices” to the cal ...

Thirty high school English teachers from Brazil are spending six weeks at UM in a new skill-building ...

Global and local efforts needed to respond to biological threats, UM President Julio Frenk warned at ...

As artificial Intelligence takes hold, tech visionary David Kenny stresses keeping human values in t ...

UM’s First Black Graduates Project committee visits an iconic D.C. museum for inspiration to create ...

The University of Miami men's tennis team (1-1) returns to action on Sunday, as it travels to N ...

Highlighted by a thrilling, three-set, top-five win by sophomore Estela Perez-Somarriba, the Miami w ...

The Canes won four events against FGCU on Saturday while also recording a total of 11 top-three fini ...

The University of Miami men's tennis team (1-1) opened the spring portion of its 2017-18 schedu ...

The Miami women's basketball resumes play Sunday at 1 p.m., at Boston College with its northern ...

TMH Twitter Feed
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.