Every college guy will figure out at one point or another how to pick up that cute girl at the bar for a fun night or lifelong commitment. But more important than finding a drunk hottie is connecting with a good bro.
Cute girls outnumber good bros by a ratio of 5 to 1. If you’re out one night and you’re thinking about working your smooth criminal moves on some Lindsay Lohan look-alike, or the actual Lindsay Lohan, ditch her and chill with that cool bro who met Harrison Ford that one time.
Unlike your high school sweetheart, a good bro is something that you will want to hold on to. The difficulty of finding one can match that of catching a rare Pokemon or the Hurricanes being cleared of all NCAA allegations. That’s why there are so many dating sites and zero bro finding sites.
If looking, you definitely want to start your search at a pizza buffet, a special “Star Wars” screening marathon or a Super Wal-Mart. Stay away from Starbucks and Buffalo Wild Wings.
False bros are everywhere so do not fall under their spell. Once they start quoting Dane Cook or Instagram their caesar salad, you know they’re not the one. Even if they seem like they might be the perfect fit you’ve been searching for, details like wearing Crocs or driving a Kia Soul will show the super nonbro they truly are. When in doubt just ask yourself the question, “Did this guy ever tryout to be on ‘The Real World?’”
If the answer is yes, change the channel on him.
A bro’s girlfriend also shows whether they are the dream bro of the Dos Equis guy, or the nightmare bro of the fake-gold-toothed, Sharpie-tattooed, women-fighting Chris Brown. If the girl latches on to him like it’s her life support, you don’t want her third wheeling on your bro time. If you find a bro with a girlfriend that resembles Kristen Wiig, without the obnoxious impressions of course, then you have yourself the ultimate bro plus one.
When searching for a bromate, don’t be anyone but yourself. Trying to impress with an Ed Hardy hat and your knowledge of Michael Bay movies will leave you unsatisfied and wingmanning with someone shallow in the end. Don’t do that to yourself because breaking up with a testosterone-filled bro is 10 times more difficult than an emotionally erratic girl.
Bringing them to a fancy Italian restaurant won’t stop a fist from flying toward you once you break the bad news, no matter how delicious the garlic bread is.
Nobody remembers those truly romantic couples that stay together forever, but everyone knows a true bromance – Starsky and Hutch, D-Wade and King James, George Bush and Dick Cheney. Go out there and find the perfect bro for you because the possibilities are endless. Most likely, it will end up like a Miller Lite commercial.
Kyle Rambo is a junior majoring in education.