Dear V

Dear V: Wedding bell blues are ruining my Latin spice…

V,

No quisiera publicar mi vida pero tengo que hacerlo porque este hijo de puta me ha destruido. Nosotros no íbamos a casar pero él se enamoro con la que estaba con mi amigo Daniel pero se tuvieron que separar porque ella pensaba que Daniel era gay. Entonces, el me dejo en el altar en el día de mis sueños. Como yo puedo regresar de este momento?

Encontrando Esperanza

Translation: I would not like to reveal my life, but I have to do this because this son of a bitch just destroyed me. We were going to get married, but he fell in love with the girl who was dating my friend Daniel. Daniel and she had to break up because she thought Daniel was gay. Anyway, this guy left me at the altar, the day of my dreams. How can I move on?

 Finding Hope

 

Dear Bilingual Betty,

Muchas gracias. That’s the extent of my Spanish, sorry not sorry. This is the first time I have received a letter in Spanish. I am glad that those Cancun spring breaks paid off for the better. My first words were “Can I have a Margarita?” Well, actually I just said “margarita,” and they understood.

You have every right to be angry, pissed off and sad. You were about to realize your happiest day, and he left with that slut. How long was she with Daniel before noticing that he’s gay? Newsflash: She’s probably not the strongest condom in the aisle.

This could be a sign that you were not meant to end up with this son of a bitch. The marriage gods or whatever deity you acknowledge during a particular day of the week must have been watching over you. No one should have to settle for losers.

And your early 20s (assuming that you are in your early 20s) are meant for sexual liberation. No one deserves to spend their married years spent in a weekly missionary position while the other six days of the week are reserved for masturbation to “Fifty Shades of Grey” and “Wallbanger” novels. You’ve got Latin flavor going for you.

Like college admissions, diversity is a plus and will get you far in the dating world. Look at Sofia Vergara and Shakira who are acclimating well to the English-speaking world, one heavy accent at a time. Take advantage of this Hispanic Hollywood before other minority groups become popular.

If all else fails, there are plenty of Vegas chapels that are looking for practice brides. Hey, they pay well and you can practice your casino skills. I’d say that’s a win-win situation.

V

April 10, 2013

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


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