Dear V

Dear V: I don’t want to be just a gluten-free lover…

Dear V,

I left my dorm to meet my secret lover, a townie who has no affiliation to UM. I met him at Whole Foods when our hands touched the same box of gluten-free cereal. His hipster glasses met my hand-knit ascot. It was love at first sight. We decided to meet at the Hecht Bridge so that he could take me to his apartment. It’ll be the first night alone together, and I am a little nervous. I just don’t want him to think that this is a fling. This could be love. What should I do?

Love At First Gluten

 

 

Dear Don’t Be a Wannabe,

Your scenario sounds like the beginning of a weird Jodie Foster thriller that ends with Jodie looking into the sunshine and saying something like, “We’re alright, but it’ll never be the same.”

I can’t help but be cynical and think the worst about this situation. Townies prey on innocent students lurking through the gluten-free section, which gives the impression that they’re conscious about the environment and food production. But idealism doesn’t usually equate to romance. You have to be realistic.

How old is the townie? How long has it been since he was in a long-term relationship? Is he looking for a hook-up to satisfy his year-long sex famine? These are questions you need to answer before believing that you’re living your Cinderella story.

Yes, love-at-first-sight moments can be successful. Look at John Krasinski and Emily Blunt or Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. This townie may actually be interested in a 19-year-old whose only worries are sociology and surviving finals.

And this moonlight reunion is total bullshit. Guys are not interested in meeting girls by the water and having that rom-com moment. The only thought that crosses their mind during your rendezvous is getting laid. There are guys who are into romance, but all guys have one commonality: thinking with their penises 99 percent of the time. At the very least, this statistic makes the sex less horrible.

If you’re comfortable with unknown identities, dark places and reliving obscure horror films, then you have my blessing. Go forth with your deity and pray for the best. On the other hand, if you’re not ready to give yourself to the townie, then take some pepper spray and possibly garlic. Vampires are running amuck, and you can never be too careful.

You can always change the location. Maybe meet at the nearby BT’s Gentlemen’s Club where you can get a dinner buffet and leave with plenty of other townies. Hey, it’s just a suggestion.

V

April 10, 2013

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

The attorneys for University of Miami men’s basketball coach Jim Larrañaga expect indictments to be ...

Few could have imagined this scenario coming into Saturday’s University of Miami football game at ho ...

Alex Cora’s success hasn’t surprised Miami Hurricanes baseball coach Jim Morris. Cora, according to ...

A six-pack of Canes notes on a Thursday: • Defensive coordinator Manny Diaz has an interesting theor ...

Get ready for an avalanche of University of Miami defensive backs and linemen descending on the Hard ...

Univeristy of Miami’s Wynwood Art Gallery holds its annual faculty exhibition featuring thought-prov ...

From a game simulating how whales navigate to a tribute to Ella Fitzgerald, the U showcased some of ...

A new mobile game called Blues and Reds, now available worldwide, aims to help researchers study int ...

A major Lancet Commission report, a three-year project headed by UM’s Professor Felicia Knaul and co ...

With a $6.8 million NIH grant, the UM School of Nursing and Health Studies and FIU Robert Stempel Co ...

Behind a historic performance from senior Olga Strantzali, the University of Miami volleyball team b ...

Thirty years ago, the 1987 Hurricanes achieved perfection. This weekend they are back where it all b ...

As a Hurricane Club member, you are invited to participate in the 25th Annual University of Miami Ha ...

The Miami women's tennis team opened play Friday at the ITA Southeast Regional Championships Pr ...

The Miami soccer team will conclude its 2017 home slate Sunday against Notre Dame and recognize its ...

TMH Twitter Feed
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.