Dear V

Dear V: I am a strong woman and I don’t need no man…

Dear V,

I cannot believe that somebody gonna f*** wit me that way. I ain’t workin’ no eight hours to be played by a fool. He come into my house and ask if I pay his rent because we be soul mates. No one not gonna tell me to be his soul mate and then be his ho. I ain’t nobody’s ho. What should a powerful, amazing, sexy, independent and chic girl supposed to do?

Nobody Messes Wit Me


Dear Adjective Hoarder,

I refer to you as this because you insist on so many descriptive words to describe your refreshing, vibrant and singular personality. See how annoying being an adjective hoarder is?

I actually have to give you props because you’re taking a strong stance against the fools of this world. Many in your position would whine, cry or belabor their stupid predicaments and come to me for advice about obvious situations.

Normally these are the same people who feel depressed when the gluten-free section no longer carries an obscure brand of South African jumping beans. I respect everyone, but let’s face it, South African jumping beans are as stupid as the person that called you his soul mate.

And I am wondering what kind of relationship involves soul mates and whores. I have standards and believe that ho is a vulgar term. My list of vulgar terms include “make it rain,” “shorty” and that scene from “Ghost” with the ceramics and Patrick Swayze.

I have to agree with you. You are right to refuse him after, I assume, he broke up with you. You don’t need to be surrounded by pathetic people. You’re a rebel without a cause, using multiple adjectives and avoiding the normal conventions of grammar and syntax. Speak the truth!

Your fresh personalities needs to be fostered for philosophical and entertainment purposes. Reality television lives off this stuff. Once you lose this loser, get that hard work’s pay, grab an agent and start working the comedy scene. The easy way is to make a sex tape, but that’s only ever happened once.

It only takes a few takes on “The Real World” and special appearances on the Today Show’s YouTube segment to be on your way to stardom, kid. In the words of every Hollywood schmuck in town, you’re going to be a star.

So keep kicking those exs out of your apartment and never stop being your sassy self.



April 3, 2013



Advice Columnist

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