Dear V

Dear V: Are there catfights in the swamp?

Dear V,

I was spending a weekend in Gainesville, having a great time partying. One night, I found my ex-boyfriend hooking up with a sorority slut. I went up to him and slapped him across the face and got into a fight with the bitch. I felt better, but this might not have been the best route. What do you think? 

Them Fighting Words


Dear Gainesville Grind,

Let me remind you that the only rule in Gainesville’s fight club is not to talk about how you provoked your ex-boyfriend and the spoils of his debauchery.

But since we’re in the business of breaking rules and keeping it edgy, I am not one to ruin a great catfight. They are the heart and soul of the best reality shows: “The Real World,” “The Hills,” “America’s Next Top Model” and Paula Deen’s cooking show when she substitutes butter with margarine.

The beauty of Central Florida and Gainesville is that anything goes. Whatever happens in the swamp stays in the swamp. Don’t feel any remorse for getting down and showing that bitch who is boss.

You were probably close to alcohol poisoning, releasing some sexual urges, and sexually experimenting with another girl or having a threesome. Gainesville was your oyster. I’m proud.

But with any boring town in the middle of nowhere, social media is a form of entertainment. You might have piqued the interest of local gossip columns, idolized by fraternities and loathed by sororities.

Horny freshmen might have even posted your photo on the dorms’ bathroom stalls. Let’s just say that the RAs had to interfere to stop the floors from getting any stickier.

I have had my fair share of adventures in Gainesville and Tallahassee. I can be as crazy or as different as I want because no one will judge me. I can wear a purple wig, sing in obscure languages like Sanskrit and strip to my heart’s content.

Everyone should have a “Gainesville story” because at the end of the day you’ll eventually need to impress your 20-year-old grandchildren.

Your story shows that small-town America is strong and burgeoning as the site of STD-infested college students. Behold the glory and continue to give those sluts the old one, two punch.


March 31, 2013



Advice Columnist

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