Uncategorized

Dear V: My blowjobs don’t compete with his gay best friend’s…

V,

My boyfriend told me that I was inadequate because I couldn’t give a good blowjob. I dumped him because I realized that he was a total tool. I later found out that he was cheating on me with his gay best friend. How am I supposed to recover from this?

 Dumper Begot Dumpee

 

 

Dear Dumpee,

Don’t beat yourself up because it’s hard to compete against a gay’s blowjob. Don’t ask how I know this. Crazy events at an underground, ‘80s-inspired rave occurred, and I found myself vomiting my binge drinking habits among other bodily fluids. 

I admire that you had the common sense to leave the douchebag. But many men are so unsatisfied with boring girls who just want the missionary position that a good blowjob is a welcomed change. I am not saying it’s your fault, but maybe you bored your boyfriend to the point where he needed to get his gay on.

And don’t try to compete with the average gayboy. They have been practicing since high school, they have years of experience. You should find your sexual niche instead of validating yourself based on your former meathead lover.

Take a pole-dancing class. Work as a hot bartender, making $600 tips because you have a great rack. Hey, consider Hooters as a last resort. Take ownership of your sexuality in whatever way possible. This is not the time to weep in self-pity with a carton of Cherry Garcia.

And your situation is one example of the Relationship Circle of Life. Your ex-boyfriend will eventually find someone else, and you’ll move on, probably scouting for the lawyer or doctor to have more babies to continue the cycle.

And your boyfriend chose his gay friend because he might be dealing with his sexuality. Now with Bravo and Project Runway, you never know anything about anyone. Never assume – that’s my motto.

I really hope you don’t take this singular moment as fodder for your next novel that ends up in the New York Times bestsellers list. I can already see the CW adapting this story to follow up their cha-ching shows “Vampire Diaries” and “Arrow.”

By the way, did you notice that I used multiple puns in my first sentence? Yes, I’m quite the wordsmith.

 

V

March 27, 2013

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

After this past University of Miami football game, coach Mark Richt said the crowd came alive during ...

The attorneys for University of Miami men’s basketball coach Jim Larrañaga expect indictments to be ...

Few could have imagined this scenario coming into Saturday’s University of Miami football game at ho ...

Alex Cora’s success hasn’t surprised Miami Hurricanes baseball coach Jim Morris. Cora, according to ...

A six-pack of Canes notes on a Thursday: • Defensive coordinator Manny Diaz has an interesting theor ...

Univeristy of Miami’s Wynwood Art Gallery holds its annual faculty exhibition featuring thought-prov ...

From a game simulating how whales navigate to a tribute to Ella Fitzgerald, the U showcased some of ...

A new mobile game called Blues and Reds, now available worldwide, aims to help researchers study int ...

A major Lancet Commission report, a three-year project headed by UM’s Professor Felicia Knaul and co ...

With a $6.8 million NIH grant, the UM School of Nursing and Health Studies and FIU Robert Stempel Co ...

Syracuse visits Miami on Saturday, October 21st at Hard Rock Stadium. ...

Thirty years ago, the 1987 Hurricanes achieved perfection. This weekend they are back where it all b ...

As a Hurricane Club member, you are invited to participate in the 25th Annual University of Miami Ha ...

Behind a historic performance from senior Olga Strantzali, the University of Miami volleyball team b ...

The Miami women's tennis team opened play Friday at the ITA Southeast Regional Championships Pr ...

TMH Twitter Feed
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.