Dear V

Dear V: My boyfriend’s experiments are turning me off…

V,

This is going to sound weird, but I don’t want to keep having sex. Hold on, let me explain. I am tired of feeling orgasms because my boyfriend tries new moves and styles that I am not feeling. He’ll grope me some days for hours, while other days, he goes to the extreme with full-body leather and kinky toys. I can’t take the changes! What should I do?

Schizophrenic Sex Object

Dear Sex Schizophrenic,

The full-body leather automatically made me think of American Horror Story. Ryan Murphy has a tendency to make you feel entertained, yet uncomfortable. Congratulations, you have accomplished what a millionaire TV producer took years to achieve.
The full-body suit couldn’t even help struggling Zachary Quinto and no-name actor find love. Spoiler alert: They die and wreak havoc for Connie Britton and her family.
Besides encouraging you to check out creepy, sex antics, American Horror Story shows that changing your sex life indicates that a relationship is heading for stormy waters. Your boyfriend may be stuck in a rut and is using sex to find excuses to maintain this apparently healthy relationship. If the full-body leather suit can’t do it, then what can?

And if you’re uncomfortable with your boy’s sexual experimentation, then you might be ready for a new path. You may be tired of immature twenty-year-olds who want to find the next best way to top their friends, competing in the bi-weekly “Who Made Their Girlfriends Cum the Most” sponsored by Trojan and KY products.
I would suggest you talk to him and tell him that the toys, costumes, plays and Kama Sutra acts are not working for you. Tell him that you want to have a different kind of sex life, or you’ll consider breaking-up.
You can’t keep quiet about how you feel. Women have made strides for a reason. Own up to your role. Vagina power!
If you want to keep whining, then I’ll send you some nice, classy locations where you can rent a leather suit. Catwoman is the new black … or so I’ve heard.

V

March 24, 2013

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


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