Uncategorized

Dear V: My boyfriend wants a seaside sexcapade…

V,

My boyfriend is trying to convince me to have sex at the beach. I hate the beach because of the nasty salt water, the uncomfortable and grainy sand, and the possibility of getting stung by a jellyfish. He says that it’s romantic and will spice up our sex lives. What should I do? How should I break it to him?

Lofty Land Lubber

 

Reluctant Bottom Dweller,

I am glad to know that you are familiar with the side effects of sex at the beach. There is nothing more unappealing and troubling than a love-box becoming a sandbox.

While I’m as liberal as they come (I voted for the Green Party candidate), I am slightly conservative about my love-making environments. Stick to the rule of three: all the rooms of your house, bathrooms at clubs and the occasional adventure in the library stacks. They offer a level of privacy, where people can still find you, and secure areas like desks and tables to control awkward positions and intense bouts of passion.

But if you’re sold on your beau and want to make his sandy dreams come true, then consider these possibilities about this tradition.

Take a towel to limit the sand that can get mixed up in the sexy-time fray. He won’t have much to worry about because male anatomy can be cleaned with minimal effort. You’ll have to take precautions. The wind may be blowing toward the south of your equator. Your boyfriend may accidently kick sand somewhere.

And even a secluded beach will not provide complete privacy. There are critters that will not be satisfied with two noisy and sexually-charged humans romping around their home. You may encounter insects that are difficult to see; birds that want a third lunch with the sandwiches you’ve brought; and if the action takes you to the shore, be prepared for the ocean’s most feared leviathan: the jellyfish.

You’ll have to pee on each other, and make it a sequel to that episode on “Friends” where Joey, Chandler and Monica end up emotionally scarred.

While I hate this idea, your boyfriend might be right. Spicing up a long relationship needs this spontaneity. The best advice I can offer you is to switch up the positions. Try getting on top, this should minimize the amount of sand that could get in your lady parts, and even if it fails, you can chalk it up to experience and say you’ve tried something new. A moonlight encounter at Nikki Beach could be romantic … mull that over.

If you’re dissatisfied with the beach sex, then at least you have a new story to tell, or blackmail for not having to have sex in the next couple of weeks.

Try to ignore the sunburn on your ass when you’re thinking about the bright side.

V

February 24, 2013

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

University of Miami coach Mark Richt called Darrell Langham’s amazing, 28-yard catch on fourth-and-1 ...

Darrell Langham is 6-4, but might as well be 8-4 — that’s how much he has grown in stature for the M ...

The Miami Hurricanes have done it again. For the second week in a row, the Canes rallied to win in t ...

Five of the greatest football players of all time were inducted into the Miami Hurricanes Ring of Ho ...

View photos from the Georgia Tech at Miami game Saturday, Oct. 14, 2017, at Hard Rock Stadium in Mia ...

From a game simulating how whales navigate to a tribute to Ella Fitzgerald, the U showcased some of ...

A new mobile game called Blues and Reds, now available worldwide, aims to help researchers study int ...

A major Lancet Commission report, a three-year project headed by UM’s Professor Felicia Knaul and co ...

With a $6.8 million NIH grant, the UM School of Nursing and Health Studies and FIU Robert Stempel Co ...

A summer 2017 excursion unlike any other united a group of University of Miami students and faculty ...

Darrell Langham's miraculous 28-yard catch set up Michael Badgley's game-winning field goa ...

The University of Miami men's tennis team wrapped up play Sunday evening at the 2017 Oracle/ITA ...

The University of Miami women's rowing team opened the fall portion of its 2017-18 schedule on ...

Freshman Bojan Jankulovski highlighted Day 2 competition on Saturday for the University of Miami men ...

The University of Miami volleyball team demonstrated skill on both sides of the ball Sunday, sweepin ...

TMH Twitter Feed
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.