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4 February 2013

Rambo’s College Survival Guide: The state of hip-hop according to a pale white dude

“She got a big booty so I call her big booty.” These deep introspective lyrics about life are just some of the inspirational words you will hear from today’s hip-hop artists. When 2 Chainz declared that he names girls after his favorite body part on them (that narrows it down to three names), I decided that as long as there is a bass drop and a deep muffled  voice describing large amounts of money being poured over a girl dancing inappropriately then anyone can be a rapper.

Sure, this is coming from a pale white guy who acts like Jim Carrey and also dances like an awkward white guy when listening to John Mayer. Maybe it’s just me but when one of the most popular songs by four of the biggest rap stars is just three and a half minutes of describing how their problem is loving bad chicks (yes, I cut out six curse words right there), I can’t help but turn off 99 Jamz.

As cool as it is hear the F-word being rhymed 12 times in the same verse, I would like to hear about some more important subjects. It might just be the fact that I don’t look particularly good bobbing my head back and forth while my 1993 Toyota Corolla speakers try and handle the bass of an A$AP Rocky song. Don’t worry, I am not considering getting dreads.

What happened to Kanye talking about the horrific violence in Chicago, or Eminem criticizing the war in Afghanistan. Lyrics now consist of Rick Ross telling us about how his besties won’t hold him back in a music video, which also shows how attractive he looks with his shirt off.

Instead of listening to their music, I think I should just wait until their post rap careers start to enjoy the endless talents they have to offer. Watching Xzibit turn bicycles into Cadillac Escalades was probably the best thing he ever did. Even though all he did was make goofy faces at the camera the whole time. After watching some guys pimp rides, I can turn on one of 50 Cent’s ground breaking video games while drinking his best investment, Vitamin Water. If you think songs like “Candy Shop” made him that rich take a look at every vending machine in America.

If you enjoy the mostly mindless chatter that come from hip-hop artists now-a-days, then more power to you. There are some bright spots out there, but for now go find a record shop – that is if there are any left – and buy some ’90s rap albums. At least until Tupac releases his next album.

Kyle Rambo can’t decide on what he wants to major in so he takes out his frustration on the people that read his writing. He spends most of his time dunking Oreos in milk and watching old ’90s sitcom reruns. The only thing he likes more than complaining is his gel-filled hair.

Rambo’s College Survival Guide is a blog meant to save the student population from all the horrors that come with being a college student. As with this blog, never take life too seriously.